When Should Adoptees Learn Of Their Adoption?

My daughter had a high school friend that she spent time with outside of the classroom.  This beautiful young woman, Mary, did not resemble her parents or siblings in coloring or physique.  None of us suspected she was adopted, but Mary probably had inklings because she confronted her parents once she entered college.  It was an explosive event and my daughter’s friend group was drawn into the disclosure via social media.

By happenstance, I learned that Mary was adopted a year before she did.  The world is just too small for secrets. I was on an airplane and began chatting with my seatmate.  We did the where-are-you-from-who-do-you-know drill. My seatmate knew Mary’s family quite well, and she disclosed how excited they were when Mary’s parent’s adopted her. I called my daughter and asked her if she knew that Mary was adopted.  She said it had never come up in conversation. Considering it none of my business, I dropped the matter. Several years later, my daughter confided in me that a rift had formed between Mary and her parents once she learned they’d hidden her adoption from her.  

I concur with a recent blog (http://adopteerevelations.com) that states:

“The adoption talk doesn’t get easier with the passage of time. Putting off the discussion only makes it harder for the adoptee to process the truth. And there’s always a chance the adoptee will find out from someone else…it’s not realistic to expect an adoption to stay hidden. Anyone who thinks she’s adopted can confirm her suspicions with a DNA test… It’s disrespectful for parents to not tell their sons and daughters the truth. Adopted people deserve to know about their biological origins just like everyone else in the family. If parents could trade places with their child, they’d understand why this basic knowledge about one’s identity is so important.”

Because of the memoir I’ve been drafting this year about the search for my birth parents, I am sensitive to this topic of hidden adoption, or late discovery adoption (LDA). I cannot recall the time when my adoptive parents told my twin sister and me that we were adopted.  I must have been very young as it feels as if I have always known. Learning this truth had not been scarring, so my parents must have done a good job in selecting their words. I had a wonderful childhood. I felt loved and wanted. I was cared for and given tremendous opportunities. I trusted my parents. Aren’t these the things every child desires?  In regards to LDA, I appreciate my adoptive parents’ honesty so early in my formative years.

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