Birth Parents Have Fears & Fantasies Too

As an adult adoptee, I have written several blogs (see 11/13/19 & 7/17/18) about the fantasies and fears common among my fellow adoptees.  Typical musings center around where do I come from, why was I adopted, what are my biological parents like, do they think about me and will they come back for me someday? As children, adoptees worry that if their birth parents relinquished them, their adoptive parents could do the same.  Many adoptees delay searching for birth relatives due to loyalty to their adoptive parents.  Fantasy circulates around what life would have been like if adoption hadn’t occurred, what a search for birth relatives might disclose and if a reunion is possible.

Just like adoptees, birth parents have fears and fantasies, too!

When I entered into reunion with my birth mother in 2011, I learned firsthand about some of her fears.  Because she was born in the 1930s how she felt about her unwed pregnancy had much to do with the social values and customs of her time. Women married first then they had babies, which is in sharp contrast to the current acceptable practice of bearing a child either in or out of wedlock.

Even though my birth mother was living on her own and supporting herself when she conceived my twin sister and me, she feared that her parents and siblings might learn of her premarital sin.  She was scared of being disowned by her family. Her shame was so real that she moved out of state with a girlfriend to avoid discovery.  My birthmother was forced into choosing adoption over parenting. She lived with the painful secret of having given birth and relinquished two daughters for forty-eight years until I approached her through an intermediary.

My birth mom was a teacher. When my twin sister and I entered reunion with her, she admitted that whenever she saw twin girls, her thoughts went immediately to us.  She studied the faces, coloring and mannerisms of the girls for clues as to whether she was looking at her own daughters.  Like other birth mothers, she pondered where we were living, what had happened to us, and whether we were alive and well.  In her prayers she beseeched her Lord to look over us, keep us healthy and happy.  She wondered if our adoptive parents had kept the names she had given us at birth, and if we’d been told about our adoption.

In the first conversation I had with my birth mother, she wanted to know why I had chosen this particular point in my life to seek her out.  I explained that my primary desire was to have a sense of family health history, and that I was also curious about our genealogy.  My birth mom was surprised to learn that some of the information she provided at her intake interview with the adoption agency had not been disseminated to our adoptive parents.  Research shows that many birth parents wonder what information has been passed on to the child they placed for adoption.  For a birth parent, the overwhelming fear is that their child will not want to see them or speak to them if they reach out.

Birth mothers report that placing a child for adoption involves a powerful sense of loss and isolation (A. Brodzinsky, 1990). These feelings are true for both closed and open adoptions. Clinicians report that the birth mothers they see in therapy complain about feelingsof continued shame, depression, trauma, unresolved grief, and a negative self-image.

Birth moms profess to carrying the burden of a serious secret. Many believe that because they gave away a child, they are therefore unlovable. Relationship issues with romantic partners and even subsequent children are other birth mother complaints(Wiley & Baden, 2005).

In closing, I want to share an excerpt from the Roles study (1989) centered on birth parents:

For Monica, from Her Birthmother

We’ve grown together for two years.

We’ve shared together your laughter and tears.

Since your first moments in this world

So many, many things have unfurled.

Once a child, you’re grown now,

The time has come to pass.

Know I’ll always love you.

That’s all I’ll ever ask.

You’ve had the time to live and grow.

How was I to ever, ever know

I couldn’t give the care that you would need.

Mine wouldn’t be the voice that you would heed.

When I had to say good-bye to you

I didn’t know how much that I’d go through,

Wanting to be with you all the while.

I pray you have someone to care

And friends that always, always will be there

A family to support you all the time

Who give the love I long to give a child of mine.

—Imelda Buckley (Roles, 1989, p. 7)

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