The Other Mother’s Day

Unless you are a birth mom or an adoptee then you’re probably not aware that National Birth Mother’s Day is celebrated on the Saturday before Mother’s Day. Until I launched the search for my own birth mom in 2010, I had no idea that birth mothers are recognized on a different day than traditional mothers.

When my adoption search hit a major roadblock early in 2011, the social worker facilitating adoption search and reunion for Catholic Charities invited me to attend a group meeting made up of the adoption triad: adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive family. On a Saturday afternoon in early May, I joined twenty or so adults in a conference room at Catholic Charities in downtown Chicago.

 The social worker opened our session by acknowledging that Mother’s Day was less than a week away. Her bright blue eyes nodded warmly at each of us clustered around the U-shaped table.

She stated, “This is day that brings both joy and heartache depending on which side of the adoption equation you are on.”

Several women at one end grabbed Kleenex from the boxes at the center of the table. In a few minutes, I would learn that these ladies were birth mothers. Thus far, they had been unsuccessful in entering reunion with the children they placed for adoption.

The social worker continued, “As we go around the table, please state your first name, whether you’re an adoptee, birth parent, adoptive parent or a loved one, and then let us know how you plan to celebrate Mother’s Day this year.”

One of the teary-eyed birth moms raised her hand.

She said, “I want to remind everyone that Saturday, the day before Mother’s Day, is National Birth Mother’s Day.”

The social worker nodded her head vigorously at the group. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry I neglected to mention this in opening. For those of you that are new to the group, Birth Mother’s Day was established in 1990 by a group of birth mothers as a way to remember their adopted child, to cope with that loss, and to educate society about the complexities of the adoption experience. Please go on…”

The birth mother then shared with the group about how she hoped to receive a reply to a letter she’d recently written to the birth daughter she placed for adoption thirty years earlier. And then she uttered words that made me hold my breath.

“As delighted as I am to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mother and family, the year I can openly observe Birth Mother’s Day with the daughter I lost to adoption will be one of the happiest moments of my life. Until that happens though, I will honor Birth Mother’s Day in silence.”

Our moderator studied the somber faces of our group and asked, “How many of you are part of an open adoption experience?”

Several of the younger people raised their hands.

The social worker continued, “In open adoption, it’s not uncommon for adoptive parents to send flowers and cards to the birth mother along with recent photos of their child. Some even call the birth mom as a way of honoring her on Birth Mother’s Day.” 

A man who looked to be in his forties spoke up next. 

He said, “I send each of my mothers a card for Mother’s Day. On Birth Mother’s Day I make it a point to phone my birth mom. This is our special day, and we talk about this. On the following day, I do the same for the mom that raised me. Having separate days to celebrate with my mothers is important to me. And to them.”

As the group members went around and slowly introduced themselves, some like me, responded that they had not known about Birth Mother’s Day. Other adoptees, lucky enough to be in reunion with their birth moms, stated that their birth mother preferred to be honored on Mother’s Day. Given my recently stalled search, I doubted whether I’d get the opportunity to acknowledge my birth mom on Birth Mother’s Day or Mother’s Day. 

Ten years later, I reflect on the experience of attending my first post adoption support group meeting. Not only was it the moment I first learned about a day dedicated solely to birth moms, but it was the first time I experienced the personal heartaches of a birth mom. It was a sobering moment that I will never forget, and one I have drawn upon heavily in trying to understand the actions of my own birth mom.

When I finally connected with my birth mother late in 2011 (this is detailed in my memoir, Twice a Daughter, being released right after Mother’s Day), we established our own Mother’s Day routine. Because my birth mom lives in another state– and I have my own children to celebrate with during Mother’s Day weekend–my twin sister and I plan a visit during the first weekend in May. By splitting up our celebrations, we give our birth mom the attention she deserves, and we honor our adoptive mom on her special day.

Ten years ago, I didn’t have a clue about the other Mother’s Day, and I certainly had my doubts whether it was an event I’d be privileged to experience. This year besides celebrating the roles that both of my mothers continue to play in my life, I’m grateful that both survived the pandemic. I’m eager to honor them for the role they played in making me the person and the mother that I have become. 

In closing, I want to pass on a quote that has always resonated with me:

“A mother’s hug lasts long after she lets go.” — unknown

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