Blessings & Burdens

One of the benefits of reaching the midpoint of life is coming to terms with certain realities. For example, it’s a given that appliances and electronics will malfunction at the most inopportune times. Maturity has also led me to expect that simple tasks and events, like getting an oil changed or prepping for a meeting will take longer than the time allotted. With all that said, the obvious truth is not every day is a blessing.

A month ago, I phoned a dear friend to wish her “Happy Birthday,” but when she answered, her voice faltered.

We’re good enough friends that when I asked what was wrong, she said, “The day has just not gone the way I expected,” and then she elaborated.

Without revealing confidences, let’s just say certain family members had let her down. Besides changing significant details surrounding her birthday celebration, her relatives made her feel like an inconvenience. My friend felt marginalized on what we “birthday nuts” deem the most important day of the year. 

I heard my friend out, sympathized with her, and wished that I was more geographically convenient to help reroute the course of her special day. Because of that impossibility, I did what we all tend to do. I shared some stories about my best and worst birthdays, hoping that those reveals might lighten my friend’s mood. 

I reminded her of the year (2011) when I embarked upon the search for my birth mother. Three days before my birthday the confidential intermediary called to inform me that my birth mom did not want to meet me or my sister. What’s more she asked never to be contacted again. It had been a lifelong dream of mine to meet my birth mother and learn about my family background. But instead of feeling celebratory that year, I was plunged into despair.

In recalling this, my friend said, “Oh, man! That was truly a nightmare birthday.”

And then I brought up what happened last year. My husband was in the hospital recovering from surgery to combat the resurgence of bladder cancer. On my birthday, he took a turn for the worse, and my family and I made the difficult choice to place him in hospice. 

There was a prolonged silence on the line. “Yes, last year. That was a tough year for you,” she said. “I still can’t believe it.”

But then I switched the karma of the conversation, pointing out that the year after my birth mom denied contact with me, she had a change of heart. I did get to meet her in person, and I celebrated my first birthday with her when I turned 52. That was one of the best birthdays of my life. 

And then with a smile in my voice, I reminded my friend about what transpired this year. On my birthday, I received a phone call at 1:38 AM. My newest grandson had arrived five days early. Besides my twin sister, I had another “birthday buddy.” What’s more this sweet little darling is named after my husband. A true gift, unexpected, and heaven sent.

“So, all I’m trying to say is this. As hard is this year’s birthday may seem, next year’s birthday holds the promise of being infinitely better.”

“Well, I doubt if it could be worse,” my friend said with a good-natured chuckle. “I’ve decided that I’m going to make sure it’s better by planning the whole thing instead of leaving it to chance.”

I love my friend’s resolve, her pragmatic and positive attitude. 

Like her I took ownership of my birthday this year. I got my hair done, planned dinner out with good friends and family, and even pre-ordered carrot cake for dessert. Those choices empowered me. I chose not to dwell on who was not there: my kids who lived out of town, and the husband with whom I had celebrated my special day for the last 37 years. But something remarkable happened which I had not foreseen, nor could I control. The universe gifted me with the most special gift of all: a new little one to cherish and spoil.

We are not in charge of the good and bad things that happen in our lives, and as much as we want and need to effect control, blessings and burdens slip through the safety net. It’s how we react to misfortune and acknowledge joy that determines our outlook.

For you dear reader, I hope that tomorrow is better than today. And whenever your birthday lands on the calendar, I hope that the day’s blessings far outweigh the burdens.

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