From Where Do We Draw Courage?

The question of where courage comes from has been on my mind lately. The topic first arose during a conversation I had with my friend Lynn. Like me, she’s a new widow.

 “I never imagined I would have to tackle all the tasks my husband used to do on top of everything else. Juggling the added load was overwhelming at first. Not anymore,” Lynn said with a quick laugh. 

There was no self-pity in my friend’s giggle. Instead, it held surprise, a dose of sarcasm, and plenty of awe. 

I snickered. “My husband used to say, ‘You really should pay more attention to your checkbook balance.’ Funny thing is now, I do. I scrutinize every inch of my financial situation because no one else is going to do it for me. And as I chunk through the online bill pay system, I imagine my husband smiling down on me from the ether, amused and proud. That image infuses me with courage and determination.”

Lynn chortled. “I get it. As sad as it is to take on the extra stuff, it’s liberating. Empowering, right? I no longer hyperventilate or talk to myself to gather courage.”

For another fifteen minutes, Lynn and I chuckled as we enumerated tasks neither of us had any idea we might need to champion. Like hooking up a leaf blower and clearing the driveway before a house showing. Negotiating a real estate contract and standing firm against unfavorable requests. Handling wire transfers, tax prep, insurance policies, and car registrations.

“Yeah, I used to be afraid of tackling anything technical,” Lynn said. “Now, if I can’t figure something out through Google, I’m on the phone with customer service. But, what I still hate is canceling activities to stay home for service calls.”

I groaned in sympathy with Lynn. Living alone has its merits and snags but juggling service calls is a nightmare.

After I hung up with Lynn, I got to thinking about other times in my life when I had to resurrect courage from the hidden depths of my normally shy and introverted soul. Becoming an adult, and particularly a parent, forced the willful edge of my personality to surface and shine. There were times I had to question one of my kids’ teachers about grading practices or classroom protocol, or to stand up to a fellow parent over their child’s behavior in my home. A lot of angst and some sleep disturbed nights preceded those acts of parental bravery, but because there were honor and values at stake, I became the responsible adult I needed to be. 

My husband used to tease me that I was my most forceful self during a certain time of the month. That truth made me chuckle, but it also fueled me. Over time, I used that particular time of the month to advocate my point of view with difficult people or unwieldy situations. And when a predicament surfaced outside “my crabby days,” caffeine became a useful tool. Now, that those prickly times are in a bygone era, I count on yoga, meditation, measured breathing, and a mantra like, “You can do this. Just get at it.”

In summary, there are a myriad of weapons one can employ to summon the courage to attack the fierce obstacles we encounter in life. The encouragement of friends like Lynn, being cornered into bravery, the counsel of able advisors, more research and information, caffeine, exercise, and powerful emotions can stimulate courage. 

I have also found that inspirational passages and quotes infuse me with the gifts to meet a unique situation. Here’s a few of my favorites:

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ― Nelson Mandela

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ― Dale Carnegie

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. — Franklin D. Roosevelt

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. — Winston Churchill 

If you have anything else to add to this list of courage boosters, or a story about personal courage, please share with me here. I’d love to hear from you.

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Still working on book #3, American Family: A memoir about love, loss, adoption, and belonging (She Writes Press), which is a prequel to Twice a Daughter, which launches October 8, 2024. Summer is such a great time to write….

Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family, Kinship releases November 1, 2023 (Muse Literary). This is a collection of essays from my blog, column, and published works.

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