I Have Your Story in My Heart

Julie McGue

Julie McGue

Author

One of the crazy wonderful things that happens to every author who publishes a book is connecting with readers. Sometimes this means meeting up in person and sharing an enlightening conversation. But since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s more common for authors and readers to link up virtually, either on a Zoom screen or through social media.

After my debut memoir Twice a Daughter released in May 2021, I began exchanging electronic messages with people who were in my target audience: birth mothers, fellow adoptees, adoptive parents, and the many friends and family members who care about someone in the adoption triad. 

Receiving a handful of emails and social media posts from a deeper subset of the adoption constellation, one that aligned with my own adoption story, completely confounded me. On five occasions, I heard from twins who, like me, were a product of the Baby Scoop era and closed adoption. Some of these twins even shared the same adoption agency, Catholic Charities, a group that maintained a strict policy of placing multiples in the same adoptive family.

To honor National Adoption Awareness Month, one of the women from this unique subset of readers, identical twins from a closed adoption, agreed to be interviewed for this blog for the sole purpose of educating and inspiring meaningful conversation about adoption.

Nancy, tell us a little about yourself and your adoption story. 

My twin sister and I were adopted in 1960 in NYC. We were adopted from Spence Chapin, Families and Services in Manhattan. Like Catholic Charities, Spence Chapin did not split up families. Ours was a closed adoption. I don’t know how or when we got to Spence. There was no record of anything before our adoptive parents came to pick us up, nearly 4 months after we were born. 

Our parents were told we were identical. We did not know this for certain until 2011 when I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer and went for genetic testing. Like your story Julie, I learned that I did not have the BRCA gene, and we were indeed identical! However, we did NOT know who was born first. As a matter of fact, we still don’t know for sure. I received an amended birth certificate, but there is no time of birth stated. 

Our adoptive parents never discussed why they did not have children of their own. Once when I asked, I was told, “I guess it never was meant to be.” 

The first time I ever met someone who was adopted was in 1980. Yes, 20 years AFTER we were born. This adoptee was a male, and we’re still friends. So, we did not have the opportunity to talk to other adoptees, except of course between ourselves. We always knew we were adopted. The book, The Adopted Family, was read to us numerous times when we were young. 

Our parents, and my twin sister and me, adopted a boy 4 years later. He was called William, and he was 7 months old.

What was the climate in your household?  

We came into a family where our “Oma,” our grandmother, had been born a twin. When we were adopted, we went to live in our Oma and Opa’s house. Oma lived downstairs, and she was a huge influence in our life, and in our adoption story. Oma’s twin sister had been killed in a car accident five months before we were born. 

When we joined our family, my sister and I filled a huge hole in Oma’s heart. Everything was about us, “the twins.” She believed God had sent us to her as a gift to heal from her pain. Throughout our lives, our adoption and being twins were constantly reinforced within the family. It was as if, we DID give Oma the strength to go on. 

Until the day Oma died, we were her, I don’t even know how to say it, her angels. She talked to us like she was talking to HER sister. Even though our adoptive mom loved Oma very much, she was jealous of our relationship with Oma, and said so. You must be a twin to understand what I mean. We knew what being a twin felt like, Oma knew, but Mom was on the outside of that knowing. 

Our adoptive father was fine with our close relationship with Oma. He was an only child and just wanted his mother happy. My sister and I may have talked about being adopted, but if we did so it wasn’t in secret. We were the center of attention all the time. I never figured out why exactly, whether it was because we looked like the Shirley Temple dolls, or adopted, or both!

How have being a twin and being adopted influenced your life?

Being adopted affected my entire being. 

We were told by our Oma that we were special, but I don’t recall being told this by our adoptive parents. We were always, “the twins.” We were not called by our names usually. From our baptism until now, people have always gotten us mixed up. Even after knowing us for 62 years! I never really let it bother me that much. Until lately. 

Why was I never considered my own person? Why did the entire world compare us to each other? Why did people always say to me, oh, you aren’t Barbie, you are the other one.  

When we mentioned being adopted, people would say, “No you aren’t. You look like your parents!” This always puzzled me. Why would we lie? 

Many adoptees develop fantasies surrounding their birth parents and the circumstances that led to their adoption. Was this the case for you? 

I can’t honestly say that I had fantasies about my birth parents. I just figured they didn’t want us. Or maybe they just didn’t want two babies. When we were maybe 15, our adoptive mother told us a few things about them. Our birth father was a pilot in the military, color blind, a little older than our birthmother, and from someplace in the “South.” He was from a German background. Our adoptive Dad was also German. Honestly, all I ever wanted to know was who we looked like. 

We were told our birth mother was of Scotch, English, and Irish descent and that she was an airline stewardess. My twin sister, Barb always wanted to work for the airlines, but she was too short. We had NO idea where we were born, and absolutely no health information was given. 

How did your adoption story influence your college coursework and career? 

In college, I chose a major to incorporate psychology, languages, counseling, and health education. I took a few graduate courses as an undergraduate, and just knew I had chosen the right field. I wanted to help others because no one was there for me when I needed support. I felt unworthy of love. I had the same professor for five different classes who said, “everyone is worthy.” Neither my twin nor I knew what worthy meant. Our birth parents had not wanted us, we were given away. 

In 1984, when I chose a topic in defense of my program, I chose adoption. When I was told it had to be a smaller topic, I chose the “New York State Adoption Registry: Helpful or Not?”  I did all the research I could about the registry, but there was not much back then. I knew we had no access to our birth records. Neither did our adopted brother. 

When my sister and I registered with the state of NY to get adoption information, we were told that to match, our birth parents would also have to be living in New York state and be registered. Even if we matched, only limited information such as non-identifying information would be released. Because neither of our parents were in state, no match was made.

The career choice I made was 100% correct. I helped others every single day of my career as a counselor. 

My twin sister and I entered the Twins Studies Program at Indiana University. Did you and your twin enter such a program? 

My twin and I DID participate in the Minnesota Twins Study in 1990. Dr. Thomas Bouchard did research on twins who were adopted, and they wanted our information. The outcome of this huge study was that “nature” wins. Which means, genetically, we get our sameness from our genes. No matter what kind of environment twins are raised in, together, apart, genetics comes up strongest. Since our DNA came up 99.99% the same, well, I guessed we are identical. 

When did you and your sister decide to research your adoption? 

I think we started to research our adoption when we met the college friend I mentioned above! We asked our mother questions on a college break. She said, she thought she saw a name on a piece of paper!!! Didn’t know who’s name it was, but it was there, along with the fact that my sister and I drank rice milk. When I learned this, I remember getting really angry at my mother, “Why didn’t you tell us before now?” 

Doing adoption research was very time consuming before the Internet. When I was in college, all research was done through card catalogues, counseling manuals, and publications. 

It took us 12 years to locate our birth family. My twin and I worked on this together. It was emotionally draining. When one of us would get discouraged, the other one would start up again. In 1986, we finally found out we were born in New York City. We had no clue before then. To locate the hospital in which we were born in 1960, let alone locate birth records took a LOT of determination!!

What knowledge about family history and background came from the search? 

When we finally found our birth father, he talked to us for about an hour on the phone. My sister and I were shaking the entire phone call. I knew we had found the right person because I tested him by asking about our birth names. He answered correctly! He didn’t know we had been adopted; he thought we had been raised by our birth mother. We learned he had already been married with two children. 

Our birth father shared what he knew about our birth mother. Turns out she had died two years earlier from skin cancer. We later found out that two aunts on my birth mother’s side had died from cancer, and similarly for our birth father’s sisters. He also told us our birth mother was quiet and seemed sad. My twin and I suffer from depression, but that could be because of the “worthiness” issue.

Our adoptive parents knew we had been searching for information. Dad was cool with it, but Mom was worried. We called them and told them about the conversation. Our adoption search did not disappoint me. The results did not surprise me. Seeing our birth father for the first time, DID astound me.

What has it meant to connect with other adoptees and twins like me and my sister?

I have NEVER connected with anyone or had so much in common like I have with you and your sister. It has meant more than you can ever know. Validates me for the real first time in 63 years!!

If readers want to contact you, what is the best vehicle?

email: nsteiler@gmail.com

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Julie’s new book, Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship released on November 1, 2023 and is available for purchase in all formats wherever books are sold.

Julie’s October 26th interview with Tim Maudlin on Anchors of Encouragement Podcast is live at this link.

Julie’s November 4th interview with David Hess on Rising Above Podcast is live at this link.

On November 16, Julie will return to guest on the Thriving Adoptees podcast with Simon Penn. If you’d like to listen to our previous conversation, listen here https://pod.fo/e/1e3f2f

On December 1, Julie will be interviewed by Jennifer Dyan Ghoston for the  Onceuponatimeinadopteeland Podcast 

On December 18, Julie will do a Q&A/Author Talk about Twice a Daughter with the Hiraeth Hope & Healing Book Club. 

On January 9, Julie will speak to The Respect for Life Group at St. Mary Star of the Sea on Longboat Key in Sarasota.

“Being adopted affected my entire being.

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twice a daughter julie mcgue

Available on Amazon!

Twice a Daughter

A Search for Identity, Family, and Belonging

by Julie Ryan McGue

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