A Time in Your Life

Before my friends and I scatter to warm places to spend the winter, it’s our habit to get together for one last Girls Night Out. Sometimes we hit a favorite restaurant, but the preferred location is in someone’s cozy living room or sunporch. As often happens when friends with shared history gather –– once we’ve caught up on health issues, children, grandkids, and upcoming travel –– we reminisce. “Remember when…?” turns into reliving hilarious anecdotes, embarrassing moments, and poignant memories. 

After all of us have settled in with our drinks and snacks, one of the women, Nancy, is known to challenge us with a thought-provoking probe. Such as: If you were given a chance to alter the outcome of an event in your life, what would that be? 

Usually, we’re good sports about these conversation starters because it leads to compelling dialogue, but sometimes the query is met with groans and eyerolls. Not every monthly outing needs to be a panel discussion; sometimes all that is desired is a glass of wine and comfortable comradery. 

But during our October coming together, when Nancy clinked her glass and commanded everyone’s attention, she posed a question that caused the room to grow as still as a confessional. 

“If you could return to a time in your life and relive it, what would that be. And why?” 

Heads bowed and eyes glazed over as our collective minds hit rewind. The hostess for the evening stood and wagged her finger. 

“Before we dive in, Nancy, I’m opening another bottle of wine.” 

I for one needed the liquid diversion, not to loosen my tongue, but to buy more time. I had come up with a few scenarios, but the “why” was tricking me up.

“Alright, then,” Nancy said, “While you pour, I’ll start us off since I’ve had more time to reflect on the question.” 

Many of us in the room had shared a decades long friendship with Nancy. We were privy to the struggles in her marriage and as a parent. Relieved it wasn’t me getting the discussion under way, I sat back and sipped my wine as Nancy cleared her throat.

“I’ve thought about this a lot,” Nancy paused, smiling at those of us who had known her since we were naïve, leggy teens. “I would return to my college years. Back then, life was uncomplicated. Sure, we were striving, figuring out our majors, boys, careers, all that. But our parents were healthy and alive. We had dreams. We were having fun. And our hopes for the future were bright and shiny.” Nancy held her glass high. “To hopes and dreams! Who’s next?”

Ann popped out of the chair next to me, her face a thousand smiles. She nodded at Nancy. “Well done, my friend. At first, your question baffled me. I’m very content with my life. My husband Dave is healthy. We’ve traveled everywhere I ever wanted to go. And I have plenty of grandkids I see on a regular basis. But. If I had to pick a time to relive, I’d go back to the day I first met Dave,” Ann paused, giggling. “He didn’t know he was going to marry me, but I did. Falling in love and being in love is a marvelous thing.” She giggled again. “Better even than a really, good glass of wine. Cheers!”

“I’ll go next,” Susan said as she strode in from the kitchen, placing a tray of sugar cookies on the coffee table. “When I graduated college, I landed a job as a production assistant in a downtown advertising agency. The hours were long, and the job was tedious. But I loved the creative process.” Susan rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. “And I adored dressing up to go to the office each day. I was living with my best friend, and we went everywhere together. It was exhilarating to be out from under my folks’ roof, living and working in the city. That sense of total independence, would be fun to relive.”

Nancy clapped her hands. “Bravo. So, we have hope, simpler times, love, independence.” Nancy’s blue eyes scanned the room, “What else? Anyone?”

“I’ll go,” I said. “When I was a new mother, I still worked part-time. Before my first daughter, I managed a ComputerLand store in the city. After I had my second child, we relocated with my husband’s job. He encouraged me to start my own business using my computer knowledge. I founded Computers for Kid, in Michigan City. I taught my children and their classmates about science and computers. For me, that time in my life was deeply satisfying.” I hesitated and then added, “Self-actualizing is the word I’m looking for.”

Roseanne slipped from her seat near the fireplace. She set down her glass of sparkling water and clasped her hands together in front of her. “Well unlike the rest of you, I don’t want to go back in time.” She dabbed at the corners of her soulful brown eyes. “To me, these years with my grown children married and finally living close by are the best years. After Covid, I love being near my family. Seeing them thrive. If I could, I’d relive this stage of my life, over, and over again.”

Several more ladies rose to Nancy’s challenge, sharing similar sentiments to what had already been stated, but the major touchpoints had been hit. Simpler times, love, independence, self-actualization, and the importance of family. As we closed out the evening, Nancy offered an idea that inspired this month’s column.

Nancy’s eyes gleamed. “Wouldn’t my question be an interesting exercise for Thanksgiving? Instead of the dinner conversation centering on charged topics like politics, economics, and war?” Nancy chuckled, “Think about what the young people would learn about their aunts, uncles, and grandparents? Heck, we might even learn something about our own husbands and kids?”

Roseanne chimed in after Nancy finished. “I think it’s a nice twist on the old standby: Let’s go around and say what we’re grateful for.”

I love Nancy’s suggestion. I plan to do just as she proposed. Some time after everyone is seated, before Aunt Helen spills her wine, and Grandpa pours all the gravy in the gravy boat onto his plate, I’ll do what Nancy had done: clink my wine glass, pose the query, and offer to go first. 

(This post originally appeared in The Beacher Newspapers on 11/2/23)

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Julie’s new book, Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship released on November 1, 2023 and is available for purchase in all formats wherever books are sold.

On Simon Penn’s podcast, Thriving Adoptees, Julie and Simon discussed how to heal from traumatic events and relationships. Tune in here.

What is the Trifecta of Joy? Tune in to Tanya Gill’s podcast as she and Julie discuss how our response to life’s challenges defines our identity and our future.  

Julie’s conversation with Diane O’Canto about adoption and the foster care system is live on the CASA F.A.M. podcast here. 

On December 1, Julie will discuss her new book and adoption story with fellow Chicagoan Jennifer Dyan Ghoston on the  Onceuponatimeinadopteeland Podcast.

On December 18, Julie will do a Q&A/Author Talk about Twice a Daughter with the Hiraeth Hope & Healing Book Club. 

On January 9, Julie will speak to The Respect for Life Group at St. Mary Star of the Sea on Longboat Key in Sarasota.

If you missed Julie’s appearance on Anchors of Encouragement Podcast, you can listen at this link.

And Julie’s November 4th interview with David Hess on Rising Above Podcast is live at this link.

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