Adoptive Parents: Don’t Make Your Child’s Adoption An Either-Or Situation!

Ultimatums are tough. 

In business and in life, stipulations and requirements can be deal breakers. They can also terminate or damage relationships. If you are an adoptee and your adoptive parent(s) does not support your desire to look into your adoption, and/or a search and reunion with your birth relatives, then you are in a very, tough spot. An adoptee that pushes through or ignores an adoptive parent’s objections to achieve those goals will undoubtedly land in emotional turmoil. 

Recently, an adoptee I know was thrust into a decision nightmare.  The younger of two children, Tom is the only adoptee. In his mid-thirties, Tom is married and a father of two adorable girls. His wife, a woman he’s known since college, encourages and supports his quest to connect with his birth family. For the last four years, Tom has tackled the numerous barriers intrinsic to unlocking a closed adoption.

About two years ago, Tom located his birth parents through an intermediary. He learned that they’d been unmarried and in college when he was placed for adoption. After college, Tom’s birth parents did marry and gave birth to another boy and two girls.  Tom has three full biological siblings.  Stung that he was the only child placed for adoption, he was still anxious to meet his birth family; they were ready to enter reunion, too. There was a problem.  Throughout the process of searching for his birth family, Tom had not given any clues about it to his adoptive family.

When he was ready, Tom and his wife gathered his adoptive family around and laid it out: his search, his married birth parents, his three full birth siblings, and his desire to connect with them. When queried if they’d like to meet his birth family, Tom’s parents did not just say “NO!” they made a proclamation. If he persisted in reuniting with this ‘other’ family, he would be dead to them.  Tom’s adoptive parents were insisting that he must choose. Them. Or us. This ultimatum shoved Tom into a horrible quandary.

The disclosure of my own adoption search to my adoptive folks had a slightly different outcome than Tom’s.  At age 48, I had a breast biopsy, so my need for a complete family health history was a pressing issue. In theory my parents were supportive. Periodically, I offered updates about the ongoing searches, the first one for my birth mother, then a later one for my birth dad.  While my adoptive parents did not issue any ultimatums, beyond handing over my adoption papers, they did not offer much support or assistance.

When my birth mom denied contact with me shortly before my 51^stbirthday, my adoptive mother said, “That’s unfortunate.  I was looking forward to meeting her.”  I appreciated her show of support. It felt genuine.  Six months later, my birth mom changed her mind. Our contact began first with letters, moved quickly to phone calls, and within six weeks we were in a face-to-face reunion. It was glorious. Shortly after meeting my birth mom, I sat down with my adoptive folks to share the good news.  Jut like Tom had done. My mouth fell open when Mom said: “I do not want that woman in my life.”  Those words seared me and still do. 

Like my fellow adoptee, Tom, I was put in a delicate situation. Although I fared better than Tom, I was stricken by surprise and the unfairness of my predicament. I could maintain contact with my birth mother, but my adoptive mom wanted nothing to do with her: no letters, no meeting, no phone calls.  To my adoptive mother, it was as if my other parent set did not exist.

Tom must choose between his adoptive parents and his biological ones. I was forced to choose silence.  I am allowed to have a relationship with my birth mother, but I am not encouraged to discuss it. Regrettably, Tom has not spoken to his adoptive folks in months. He is crushed that he is unable to welcome both sets of parents in his life and in the lives of his daughters.

Much like Tom, in launching my adoption search, I believed I could balance both of my families, that I had enough love to share, that my adoptive parents would receive my news like mature adults.  Tom and I are both disappointed that our respective adoptive parents put us in an either-or situation, a scenario where everyone loses and nobody gains.

Here’s the thing.  When an adoptee seeks information about birth relatives, it is for a variety of valid reasons: health, sense of self/identity, and an innate need for familial history and connection.  Why should an adoptee’s innate thirst to know all there is about his or her self, put the adoptee at odds with their adoptive family?      

Why do we do this to one another?  Where is the selfless love that parents are supposed to have for their child regardless if they are adopted or biological?  Where is putting the interests of one’s child before one’s own? Aren’t our hearts big enough to love all the folks to whom we have connection?

 Please share your thoughts and comments, but keep them courteous and respectful.

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