An Interview With The Father I Never Met

For nearly fifty years, I wondered about the father who gave me life. The rigid rules of closed adoption provided my twin sister and me with no information about the man. No name. No health history. No hints at family background, ethnicity, or traits and characteristics. It was as if he didn’t exist.

In my recently released memoir, Twice a Daughter: A Search for Identity, Family, and Belonging, I reveal one of the adoption fantasies that persisted throughout my life–a habit that other adoptees admit to indulging in. I was probably a teenager when my twin sister and I did the math. Extrapolating back nine months from our February birthday meant that our birth parents had a fling in May. So with no information, my sister and I imagined that our biological parents were teenage sweethearts, a couple whose parents convinced them that they were too young to marry and whose bright futures did not include parenting twin daughters. Until I connected with my birth parents in 2011 and 2014, these illusions flourished. 

For reasons that I explain in my memoir, I was not afforded the opportunity to meet my birthfather, and his sudden death several years ago left me with a myriad of unanswered questions. And because who he was is fundamental to the person I am, I continue to puzzle this imperfect man. He has become to me more like a character in a book than a real person. To understand him in a deeper way, I borrowed an often-used tool which writers employ to pull out the essence of a character they write about: I interviewed him. 

JULIE: (Shyly staring into Dick’s heavy-lidded, blue eyes) Why did you walk away from “her,” my birth mom? 

DICK: (Squirms a bit) We fought constantly. About her pregnancy. About a forced marriage. Her insistence that I convert to Catholicism so that we could marry in the Church was what broke us up really. Despite her captivating greenish-brown eyes, intelligence, and indomitable spirit, I couldn’t compromise on the religion thing. In the end, I guess I didn’t love her enough. (He looks off into the distance.)

JULIE: (Cocks her head and focuses on the reddish hint to his neatly trimmed, graying hair) Did you ever wonder what happened to my sister and me?

DICK: (Clears his throat) I never knew that there were two of you, nor that I had fathered girls. And yes, I was curious about what had happened to Shirley and her baby, but it wasn’t enough to go looking for her. Keep in mind we had ended things on very bad terms. (Pause)

As a college professor, I often wondered if one of the students in my courses was secretly the child I had fathered with Shirley. (Pause) Look, I had told my first wife, Richie and Cynthia’s mother, that I’d gotten a woman ‘in trouble’ before I’d met her. She knew but never mentioned it to our kids, and she might have after we divorced. It was a secret that I had long forgotten about, until I got that certified letter from you. Knocked my socks off, that did. And your outreach didn’t sit well with Barbara, my second wife, at all. (Emphasis on ‘all’)

JULIE: (Smirk) What was your childhood like?

DICK: (Sigh) I grew up on the outskirts of an Indian reservation. North. Not far from Canada. Back then, my dad was considered a half-breed. Half Native American and half Scotch Irish. We were poor. We all had odd jobs if we could find them. My father taught me to fish and hunt. I loved the outdoors. It was my escape from the oppressive nature of our living conditions. Education was my ticket out of there. I was the first in generations to finish college, much less earn a Ph.D. (He smiles proudly)

JULIE: (Ticks off a question in her notepad.) Do you identify with your Native American heritage?

DICK: (He fidgets with the crease on his pressed khakis) I don’t hide my heritage, but I do take after my white, Protestant ancestors in appearance. I compiled extensive research on the history of my family. Some of them are quite noteworthy. Their efforts in settling the northern territories are not just folklore but part of the written history of the area. That part of the country would not have become what it is today if it hadn’t been for my ancestors.

JULIE: (Glances at her notes) What would you say were the biggest achievements, failures, and disappointments in your life?

DICK: As far as achievements: My education and rising out of poverty to become a teaching professor with publications under my name. Those were and are important to me. I am a self-made man. I raised a nice family and have tried to be a decent father to them. (Shakes his head) I don’t see them much. I live several hours away from both Richie and Cynthia. As far as disappointments go, I can’t think of many. I wish I would have traveled more perhaps, but my wife recently retired and now she’s recovering from breast cancer. (He scratches the crease on his pantleg)

JULIE: (Doodles on notepad and doesn’t look up) Do you regret not acknowledging my sister and me?

DICK: (Studies the calluses on his right hand) Richie and I have had many conversations about this. Look, my second wife Barbara was not in favor of any contact with either of you. I honored this and by doing so it made my life less complicated. I’m an old man. I’ve lived my life the way I wanted. At this stage of my life, I want to play golf, hunt a little, and have a cocktail at the end of the day. I can’t do complicated.

JULIE: (Sits straight up in her chair) Is that how you see me? A complication?

DICK: (Looks surprised at Julie’s biting tone. Stiffens in his chair. Leans forward and stares her in the eye.) You mentioned in your letter that you had a good upbringing and didn’t want to disrupt my life. I thought you meant that. I gave you the health information you requested. I don’t owe you anything more than that. And… keep in mind I was a very, young man when I met Shirley. I made some mistakes with that situation, but I learned from them. Please realize that I’m a very well-respected man in my community. 

JULIE: (Sighs. Flips her notebook shut) If there was one wisdom that you could pass on to me, what would that be?

DICK: (Stares into her hazel eyes) Don’t dwell on the past and don’t try to coerce folks into giving you what you think you want.

Crafting this interview, albeit fictitious in nature, has helped me understand the possible motives and unique perspectives of the man who passed on his DNA to me but who refused to validate my connection to him. While I never met my birth father, the select memories shared by my birth siblings combined with my genealogist’s extensive research have provided me important glimpses into the life of the father who seemed determined to elude me. 

While there is much that I’m not able to know and even more that I cannot fathom, of these things I’m certain: I share my father’s determination to better myself and to make the most of what life presents; He and I have a similar love of learning and all things academic; Our fondness for nature and our desire to be outdoors– whatever the weather–is an inherent need not just a want.  

Although unintentionally, my biological father granted me a lasting gift: a brother and a sister who have welcomed my twin sister and me, whole-heartedly, into their worlds. For that wondrous treasure, I offer him my sincere appreciation.

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