Choices Have A Ripple Effect

This line of thinking about choice selection got me considering my birth mom, the woman I met just eight years ago. The decisions my biological mother made over half a century ago have profoundly affected the course of my life and hers. The biggest choice is obvious: placing my twin sister and me for adoption versus seeking an abortion. After making that hard one, more tough decision points followed.

In her mid-twenties, my birth mom did not marry my birth father for various reasons, one of which had to do with his refusal to convert to Catholicism. She made a conscious decision not to share the news of her unplanned pregnancy with anyone except a dear friend. Because she also feared being disowned by her family, my birth mom resigned from her local teaching position and moved to Chicago.  It was there that she contacted Catholic Charities, took up residence in a women’s shelter, and relinquished my twin sister and I immediately after our birth. When I read all of this in black and white, I realize how brave she was and how onerous the choices were that befell her. In comparison, my preoccupation with an incomplete to-do list is ridiculous.

My birth mother made other choices related to my adoption that had long-term consequences. While in hiding, she was encouraged by the social workers at Catholic Charities to use an alias. In those days, assuming a false identity was considered legal. Her alias appears on my original birth record/ OBR (see my blog post 4/3).  This decision protected her privacy. It also allowed her to assume a respectable persona when she re-entered society.

The alias my biological mom assumed became an obstacle for me when I tried connecting with her in 2008. At 48, I experienced a health issue.  It became apparent that accessing my biological medical history could save me from undergoing unnecessary testing and procedures. A Chicago circuit court judge opened my closed adoption records and authorized an intermediary to contact my birth mother for my family health history.  

In February 2010, three days shy of my 51st birthday, my birth mom made a devastating choice.  She denied any and all contact with my twin sister and me. She adhered to that decision for almost a year before changing her mind. My sister, birth mom and I all agree— her change of heart in the fall of 2011 was one of the best choices she ever made.

As I reflect upon the shear magnitude and number of life altering, emotional choices my birth mother had to consider as a young woman, I am in awe. Some of her other choices— rejecting my contact, passing off incorrect information, and scolding me for probing into the whereabouts of my birth father — I have needed counsel in order to forgive.  She did however nail the big ones: adoption and reunion.

I believe that our choices can define us. What we choose has the ability to consume, to destroy, and to alter the course of our lives.  Often, like my birth mother selecting adoption over abortion, our personal choices have a ripple effect upon the lives of others. My adoptive parents lives, and that of my sister’s and mine, were profoundly affected in a good way by my birth mother’s choice of adoption.

As I reflect on the choices I was forced to make last week, yesterday and today, I am cognizant that the decisions I enacted are not life altering. The ripple effect upon my family over my incomplete to-do list was minor.  The tangent my brain went on gave me a fresh outlook when it comes to choices, their importance and subsequent effects: it’s important to let the small problems take care of themselves, and focus on getting the big ones right.

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