Conversation With An Adoptive Parent

This interviewee requested that a pseudonym be used to protect her identity and some of her identifying information was altered for privacy reasons.

JM: Why did you choose adoption?

Jeanne:  I was having difficulty getting pregnant and carrying a child.

JM: Was this a difficult decision?

Jeanne: No.  My husband and I tried for many years.  I had several miscarriages and a late term stillborn.  We wanted a family and this was our best option.

JM:  How long did you have to wait?

Jeanne:  It was a lengthy process.  We waited about three years.

JM:  How many children did you and your spouse raise together?

Jeanne:  We adopted three children and went on to conceive two others, which I carried to full term.

JM: So the adopted children were the oldest?

Jeanne:  Yes. My boys were first then my daughter.

JM:  How old were they when they learned they were adopted?

Jeanne:  We were given material by the adoption agency to aid us in having the conversation with them.  They were quite young. It was long before they entered school.

JM: Can you share what you said?

Jeanne: I don’t remember the exact words, but I can give you a rough idea. First, I explained that babies grew in their mommy’s tummy. Then I said, ”Sometimes after a baby is born, the mommy whose tummy the baby came out of, can’t take care of the baby. When that happens, the mommy who gives birth to the baby talks to some good people. The good people have a list of mommies and daddies who can’t carry babies in their tummies, but really want to have a baby. I was a mommy who couldn’t have a baby in my tummy and I wanted a special little girl just like you. I promised the good people to love you and take care of you forever. You were only ten days old when you became my daughter.  It was the best day of my life.” My daughter listened very carefully and said, “I love you Mommy. You’re the best mommy ever.” I lived on that for a long time and reminded myself of this when she grew into a difficult teenager (woman laughs).

JM: That is a moving recollection.  Did you ever have any difficult moments with your adoptive children over their adoption?

Jeanne:  Periodically, my husband and I would sit down with our three adopted children, separate of one another, and make certain that they knew we would help them if they ever wanted to look into the circumstances of their adoption.  None of them ever took us up on it until they were adults. At that time, they sought medical health histories and genealogy so that they’d have it for their own children.

JM: Was this hard on you and your husband?

Jeanne: Naturally I felt threatened, but I knew in my heart that I had done a good job raising all my children.  I knew that they had felt loved. I did a lot of praying that their birth parents would not reject their efforts, and that my children would not turn away from the family that raised them.  It all turned out fine, despite my worries and concerns.

JM: How were your adoptive children accepted by their peers? Your family and relatives? Your friends?  

Jeanne: My family and friends were over the moon when we got the call we were getting our first child.  My husband’s sister was difficult at times. She often made me feel ‘less than’ until I conceived my first biological child.  I observed that she treated my oldest children, the adopted ones, differently than my other kids. It hurt me, caused a rift at holiday gatherings and get-togethers.  As far as the children’s peers, they had a lot of friends. I never sensed any issue there.

JM: If you had one bit of advice to offer adoptive parents today, what would that be?

Jeanne:  Stay close to your child.  Listen to them. Pay attention to their moods.  Spend time with them, one on one. Don’t treat them any different than your biological children if you have them. Tell them you love them even when you’re angry, even when they’ve hurt you or turned away from you.  That is how I raised all my children, those that were adopted and those that were not. Communication and love, those are vital. I would add forgiveness and patience and prayer, too!

JM: You offer great advice that is fitting for all types of parents.