Dialogue With An Adoptee

This interview was conducted over the course of several sessions.  For privacy, the adoptee’s name was changed and some of the identifying details were altered.

JM:  How old were you when you learned you were adopted?

MaryAnn:  I don’t know exactly.  I just always knew.

JM:  Do you have any siblings that are also adopted?

MA: Yes I have a brother that is adopted.  We are the eldest. My parents had two other children after us.

JM: Were there any issues growing up in your blended family?

MA:  My parents did not treat any of us differently if that is what you mean.  One of my brothers was often difficult. He probably had ADHD, had a temper, and didn’t like rules.  My Mom spent a lot of time disciplining him. Interestingly enough, my brother adores my Mom and has no resentment about his struggle with her.  I’d like to think we were a pretty normal family with normal problems. I have a lot of great memories from growing up. My parents tried hard to be kind and loving.

JM: Do you have any contact with your birth family?

MA:  Yes. Several years ago, I located my birth mother through the confidential intermediary program in Illinois.  Then she gave me my birth father’s name and I found him too. He was not very receptive to any kind of contact but I see my birth mom a couple times a year.  She lives out of state.

JM:  Do you have any birth siblings?

MA: A brother and a sister from my mother’s side, and none on my father’s side.  I enjoy meeting up with my brother, but my sister keeps to herself a lot.

JM:  What was that like, finding your birth family?  And, do you resemble any of them?

MA: Finding my birth mom was always the golden goose.  Ever since I was a teenager, I wanted to find her and learn why I was adopted.  But because I had a loving, supportive adoptive family, I felt guilty about searching for birth relatives until I was a parent myself.  My husband encouraged me to try and get information from the adoption agency so that my own kids would have an idea of family history. I am glad I did it when I did.  I was always afraid it would be too late to find my birth parents, but it wasn’t. I look like my birth mother more than my birth father, but I think my kids resemble both of them.  I have enjoyed doing the DNA testing at Ancestry.com and 23nMe to build my family tree. That is one of the things adoptees hate. We hate not knowing where we come from and why we were adopted.

JM:  Anything else, you’d like to share about being adopted?

MA:  Just a comment.  With the advent of social media and genetic testing, those of us that were adopted in the 60s and 70s have so much more available to help with adoption searching than ever before.  It’s an amazing time. It’s too bad that some states are still so backwards with regards to their adoption laws.

JM:  “Privacy” vs “Right to know” has always been the adoption controversy.  Any good books that you’d recommend for our readers?

MA:  Ann Fessler’s The Girls That Went Away is probably the best one to try and understand what birth mothers went through in the 50s, 60s, 70s.  As far as feeling good about yourself, who you are and where you’ve come from, and being the best person you can be, I like everything that Brene Brown has written.  Rising Strong is on my re-read list.  She has a new one coming out soon.

JM:  Because I am adopted too, as you know, I would recommend: Lost & Found by Betty Jean Lifton, and Birthright by Jean Strauss.

MA: I would add one more thing.  I found the post-adoption social worker at the adoption agency that facilitated my adoption so very helpful.  Every so often I attend group meetings and spend time listening to other adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents.  It’s enlightening and exhausting, but the support was vital when I was searching and entering reunion with my birth family.

JM:  Thanks for sharing that.  Social workers can help so much in not only finding family members, but in counseling adoptees on how to react and judge their behavior.

MA:  Finding my birth relatives has been very rewarding but it was hard work.  I don’t regret the effort.