Father’s Day: Honoring & Remembering

For many of us, nationally designated holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, usher in a wide range of emotions. Our reactions to these special dates are determined by the relationships we had with our parents, and whether they are still present in our lives. Father’s Day was established to honor and celebrate father figures, but this occasion often elicits other sentiments like longing and loss, as well as nostalgia, wonder, and regret.

Adopted together, my twin sister and I grew up as the oldest of six. Our family was an even mix of adopted and biological children. To my parents, it mattered little how we came to belong to their family. Our folks raised us with the same dose of tough love and devotion. In my formative years, Father’s Day was almost always celebrated at our family summer cottage in Palisades Park, Michigan. After Sunday Mass, we helped Mom orchestrate an elaborate brunch with Dad as the guest of honor. Once we stuffed ourselves with coffee cake, baked egg casserole, bacon, and fruit, we ventured out to the deck where Dad’s cheeks dimpled with pleasure over the gifts we’d made and chosen for him. 

My adoptive father–the only man I have ever called “Dad”– passed away five years ago. Nicknamed “Chief” by one of us during my teen years, we remember him fondly for his deep belly laugh, steady stream of corny jokes, and clever April Fool’s Day pranks. Hard working, kind, and generous, Dad considered family his most valued assets. He often said to my sister and me, “The day your mother and I adopted you girls, was one of the best moments in our lives.” And so, as another Father’s Day approaches without my father’s steady presence, nostalgia hits me hard. 

As an adoptee, Father’s Day is complicated, thickly layered like an onion. In 2011, when I finally located and entered reunion with my birth mother, I added a new stepfather to my list of paternal figures. Much like the dad who raised me, Floyd was welcoming and kind. On the day I met him, he proclaimed with a twinkle in his eye, “At my age, I certainly didn’t expect to be a father again. This is wonderful.” 

I marveled that a man from Floyd’s generation could be so accepting and forgiving of my birth mom’s long-held secret. His positive reaction to her stunning reveal is a testament to Floyd’s sterling character. My stepfather passed away suddenly last fall. Due to circumstances which include Covid, I regret that I was unable to grieve in person for him with my birth mother. Mostly, I wish that the circumstances of my adoption would have allowed me to have known him much sooner, and much better, than what occurred. 

And then there is my “other” dad, the biological father who refused to meet my twin sister and me when we located him in 2014. At the time, his denial of us filled me with anger, loss, and longing. Even now, I wonder, “How can a father not want to meet his children?” While I no longer harbor ill feelings towards this “other” father, I regret that he died without my laying eyes on him. I choose to honor him for what he unknowingly gifted me: a curious mind, a parade of freckles, and two awesome and dear half-siblings. 

Finally, the upcoming Father’s Day holds a stinging, fresh layer of loss for my family. In February, my husband, and the father of our four children succumbed to cancer. This will be the first in a long string of Father’s Days that my husband will not be tending the grill or serving up his famous BBQ ribs.  Instead, this task has been assumed by my son-in-law, a young father of two. Such is the continuum of life, of families dedicated to building memories through experiences rooted in belonging.

This Sunday, my family and I will gather on a different deck than the one I adored as a child, and we will foster the traditions of honoring and remembering the fathers who impacted our lives. There will be celebration, nostalgia, and longing. Loss will be acknowledged. Tears will be shed, and there will be regrets over what might have been, as well as wonder over what is yet to come. Threading through the day will be a consistent theme: love. Love for the many fathers who influenced who we have come to be, and who we strive yet to be.

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