Gratitude With A Twist

Recently, I was struck by a fellow adoptee’s comments on a blog I follow. The situation the adoptee highlighted had nothing to do with the recent Thanksgiving celebration. His words resonated with me because I have had a similar dialogue with non-adopted persons over the years. What each of us view as important to be thankful for is a matter of perspective.

I want to preface my remarks by pointing out that as a group adoptees are indeed grateful.  We are grateful to be alive. Like our fellow humans, adoptees appreciate having been given the chance to use our gifts and talents, to achieve our goals, and to have the experiences that life has afforded us. However, the adoptees I trade tales with admit that they are not grateful to be adopted.  We would rather not wear the label of adoption. It was a choice made for us by others and it has complicated our existence.

Before I get into the story I want to share, I want to state what I am grateful for besides life itself.  I am thankful for my identical twin sister with whom I was adopted. Her steady presence in my life has been remarkable.  I am inordinately grateful to Catholic Charities for invoking a policy to not separate siblings of a multiple birth scenario (see blog post: Three Identical Strangers 10/31).  I give thanks that my birth mother did not choose abortion but rather subjected herself to the shame of being an unwed mother in the late 1950s.  Finally, I am thankful to my parents for being open to adopting twins and checking that box on their Catholic Charities adoption application.

In hindsight, the day my husband encouraged me to look into my closed adoption has had momentous consequences (see my video on 3-24-18).  Owning my birth family history, a journey that took over three years, was a daunting task and my spouse’s support was vital to that achievement. A hearty thanks to these treasured souls for guiding me through the process of locating my birth relatives: Linda Fiore, former confidential intermediary at Midwest Adoption Center; Sandy Thalmann, genealogist in Rochester, Minnesota; and Lisa Holmes social worker at Catholic Charities Post-Adoption Services in Chicago.

A huge thank you to my new brother, who not only picked up the phone to talk with me about the father we shared, but accompanied me for DNA testing. Finally, all my siblings, new and old, are the bonus that adoption has offered me.  All my family, the one with which I was raised and the biological ones, I hold dear.

All that being said, let’s move on to the situation I referred to at the outset. An adoptee had a conversation with someone outside the adoption triad (see Terminology post 10-17).  The non-adoptee made a comment similar to: “You must be so grateful to your adoptive parents for taking you in.”  Flags, fireworks and sirens go off. Go back and reread the preceding paragraphs if you don’t get why this remark is careless and insensitive.  Most adoptees are not grateful about their adoption. “The grateful to be taken in” part should have not been part of any meaningful conversation.  Our adoptive parents did not adopt a family so that we would be grateful to them. Keep in mind many adoptive parents are grateful to become parents because they spent years getting to that point.  That they would pat themselves on the back for taking in a child seems unlikely.

I want to highlight another aspect of the ‘grateful you were taken in’ idea.  When an adoptee decides to dig into the circumstances of their adoption, that act of curiosity, of wanting to know about one’s self is not an act of treason.  Adoptees that seek out their birth relatives are not guilty of being ungrateful. We are trying to know, to understand our whole self, not just the identity that was given to us by a court of law.  It is our privilege, our right, to own our personal information. We are not ungrateful to seek that.
That should not be inferred to any adoptee ever.

I am always grateful to meet a good listener. If you are not adopted, think about what you are saying to an adoptee. Don’t offer advice about a situation of which you are ignorant. Ask questions and listen to the answers.  You might just learn something. Aren’t all of us grateful to be heard?