How do you know when it’s time to forgive?

Forgiveness is in the air. It’s trickling across the airwaves and it has gone viral on social media. Even national television showcased footage when a perpetrator of a violent crime received a shocking pardon. Catching an act of compassion on camera is a welcome relief to the political turmoil and violence that typically consume the daily news cycle.  In case you’ve been on vacation or caught up in your own personal drama, here’s the skinny on the story out of Texas that had folks bantering about forgiveness.

Earlier this month, Dallas police officer, Amber Guyger, was on trial for the murder of Botham Jean. Guyger shot and killed Botham in his own apartment which she entered mistaking it for her own.  For her crime, the jury sentenced her to ten years in prison.

Here’s the shocker. Brandt Jean, Botham’s 18 year-old brother, used his victim-impact statement to tell the court that despite what Guyger took from his family, if she is truly sorry for what she did, then he forgives her. Brandt Jean went one step further. He asked the judge, “I don’t know if this is possible, but can I give her a hug, please?” Sobbing sounds filled the courtroom as Brandt Jean embraced his brother’s killer.

The victim’s mother, Allison Jean wrote on her Facebook page, “Forgiveness is for the forgiver and it doesn’t matter what the forgiven does with it.”

Let’s take this dialogue about forgiveness one step further. How do you know when it’s time to forgive someone and what might the act of forgiveness do for the forgiver? 

Just days after Jean forgave Guyger, I travelled out of town for a family wedding.  At one of the weekend events, I conversed with a young woman who shared the difficult choice she’d made in coming to the wedding. She weighed her relationship with the bride against confronting a hurtful person she knew would also be in attendance. The wedding unavoidably and painfully placed them together in the same room for the first time in years.

The women greeted one another, offered tentative hugs, and the weekend commenced without further awkwardness.  As my seatmate shared her saga, the week’s earlier courtroom forgiveness came to mind. Had the wedding not brought these ladies together, reconciliation might not have occurred. Their mutual acknowledgment allowed a deep pain to lessen.  The rift, while not erased, had its rough edges smoothed over. The wedding afforded the forgiver and the forgiven to move on with their lives with less bitterness between them.

In previous blogs, I’ve shared personal anecdotes from my adoption story, times when I had to muster forgiveness in order to move on with my life. One of the really tough scenarios involved my adoptive mother. Throughout my childhood and young adult years, my adoptive mom professed support should I ever desire to look into my adoption.  When I had a health issue at 48, I sat down with her. I sought not just the adoption papers in her files, but her understanding and backing. She was lukewarm. When I located my birth mother, I sat down with my adoptive mom once again. I relayed how thrilled I was to finally possess family health history and that I intended to enter reunion with my birth mom.

 Mom said, “I do not want this woman in my life.” 

Our relationship suffered, but we got through this tough period. Through counseling I was able to recognize that her fears – fear of losing me and sharing me with another mother – colored her harsh words and flavored her rigid attitude. Recognizing my adoptive mother as a human with her own set of wants and needs helped me forgive her. Her fierce, protective love for me prevented her from including my birth mother in our relationship. Once I recognized her limitations and acknowledged I needed to forgive her, we reestablished a meaningful relationship. Offering forgiveness healed both of us.

I admire the Jean family for their healing words and actions towards Amber Guyger. I admire the woman who chose to attend the family wedding and make peace with a difficult person. I admire my adoptive mother for being true to herself and receiving my forgiveness. Offering forgiveness privately is one thing, doing so publicly requires another form of courage. I praise all of you for lighting and leading the way towards healing. 

Allison Jean said, “Forgiveness is for the forgiver.” I would go one step further. Forgiveness has the power to heal.  The act of forgiving can change the lives of not just the forgiver and the forgiven, but all of us lucky enough to witness it.

Give yourself the gift of forgiving others,
not because THEY deserve it,
but because YOU deserve the serenity and joy
that comes from releasing resentment and anger. 
Unconditional forgiveness is the path to your own inner peace.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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