It’s Not About You

We all have them. Those phrases of self-encouragement or personal mantras that lift, encourage, and urge us to press through awkward moments, fearful scenarios, and difficult times. I have a few, too: You can do it. Be brave. Be strong. Another more nuanced saying that is my go-to when uncertainty floods my psyche and allows the inner critic in, is: It’s not about you!

When I first contacted my birth mother in 2011 through an intermediary, my twin sister and I learned that she did not want any connection with us, and that her family had no knowledge of her unplanned pregnancy or our subsequent adoption. More than anything, she wished her privacy to be respected. After my birth mom’s searing rejection, I met with a post adoption social worker at Catholic Charities who helped me understand something vital. 

She said, “Think of it like this. It’s as if you entered a movie that is halfway over. You have no idea of what came before the current scene. When you contact a birth relative, like your birth mother, out of the blue–in the middle of her life and yours–you’re not privy to what you’re walking into. Her rejection is less about you than it is about the issues and problems she’s currently addressing.”

And then, the social worker said it. The mantra I often resort to when I’m feeling horrible about something that someone did.

“It’s not about you,” she said.

About a decade ago, I made plans with a woman–who I considered a good friend at the time–to go skiing in Montana with our families. Since we were both getting kids off to college and each of us had our hands full with a sick parent or two, it was weeks before we spoke again. I thought nothing about the time lapse.

I called my friend and left a message. “Hey, wanna grab lunch, catch up, and talk about the ski trip?”

No return phone call. 

Days later, I thought, “Hmmm. Okay, I’ll send her an email with suggested flights and some other details.”

You guessed it. No return email. I racked my brain. What had I done to offend her? I waited. Weeks turned into months, and yes, those months morphed into years. Hurt lessened over time as it tends to do, but often enough the wonder over what the heck happened woke me in the dead of night. Then a few years ago, when my book, Twice a Daughter, came out I got a message on my author Facebook page.

“It’s so nice to see what’s going on in your life here. Would love to connect.”

Ring the bells and sound the gongs. “Huh? Okay, why not,” I thought. 

“Sure. Love to,” I replied.

Several days later, I returned home from tennis to find a voicemail on the house line (remember when that was a thing?). 

“Hey, I thought I’d reach out and see if we could do lunch. Call me when you have a minute.”

The next week the two of us met for lunch in a small café. We hugged, commented on how well we both looked, and then we launched into that bottomless well of what our kids and husbands were doing.

My friend coaxed the elephant into the center of the room. “What happened to our friendship?”

Carefully and gently–without a hint of the deep hurt she had caused or judgement I’d made about her–I explained about the unreturned emails and phone calls, and the ski trip that never got off the ground. With downcast eyes and a huge sigh, tears filled my friend’s soulful green eyes. 

We shared. I learned that at the time we were planning the ski trip my friend had plunged into a debilitating depression. She had never shared that “blue moods” ran in her family. After months of treatment and good self-care, she battled those demons and was in a good place.

We held hands, sniffled, vowed forgiveness and acceptance and to resurrect our friendship.

So, all that time I had chastised myself, thinking, “What have I done? What didn’t I do?” her silence had nothing at all to do with me. It was about what was going on in her life.

Of course, I recalled the wise counsel from my social worker, “It’s not about you.” That phrase has since become an important guidepost for me as I navigate life.

If you want more on this subject, please read my post about the stories we make up, or better yet pick up one of Brene Brown’s brilliant books. 

In Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, Brown discusses a phenomenon of which we are all guilty of doing. When the behavior or words of someone with whom we interact confuses or troubles us, we make up a story in our head to explain it. The story we make up is our own version of the situation in question, and it’s formed around our mindset, life experiences, and vulnerabilities. Quite often, the stories we make up are well off the mark.

Brene Brown and her research surrounding “the stories we make up” is fascinating and liberating to those of us who like to torture ourselves with guilt and anxiety. Brown points out that our lived experiences often serve to amplify basic insecurities and vulnerabilities. As a result, we develop constructs and coping strategies to explain away people’s behavior. We can avoid unnecessary hurt by acknowledging what we are doing: making up stories in our head. 

So, the next time you go inward to inflict blame and shame, catch yourself. Correct that damning inner critic. Shoo away its harsh words with the warning, “No, no, no!  I won’t let you do that. I know, ‘It’s not about me.’”

Have a Blessed week!

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On December 26th, Julie was interviewed by Jennifer Dyan Ghoston for the  Onceupona timeinadopteeland Podcast about her books and adoption journey. Gratitude to Jennifer for honoring Julie’s husband Steve by posting the episode on his birthday. 

Julie was interviewed about her writing journey by Christal Rice Cooper for her blog about memoir. 

On January 4, Julie shared a conversation with Jason on the Stories of Adoption podcast, it can be listened to, here. 

On January 9, Julie spoke to The Respect for Life Women’s Group at St. Mary Star of the Sea on Longboat Key in Sarasota. She also signed books and raffled off giveaways.

On January 10, Julie’s episode: A Tapestry of Belonging in the Complex World of Adoption went live on The Wandering Tree Podcast.

January 19-21, Julie will participate in an online “Writer’s Retreat & Work Weekend” facilitated by writing coach and acclaimed author, Laura Davis. Julie hopes to complete the remaining chapters in her forthcoming book, Twice the Family, A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Sisterhood (She Writes Press) due out in Feb. 2025.

On February 16, find Julie at J. McLaughlin’s on Longboat Key. She will be signing her books and donating proceeds from the “Sip n Shop” event to benefit the Longboat Key Library. 

On February 27th, Dr. Meg Meeker will host a conversation with Julie on the Parenting Great Kids podcast. 

To listen to other podcasts where Julie shares about her books, adoption story, and perspectives on all things related to identity and belonging, go to the media tab on her website.

In Other News:

Feathered Quill recently reviewed Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship, saying: Written in a simple-to-understand manner, Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family, and Kinship is a must-read for everyone who has found themselves caught up in the adoption triangle.

To read the full review in the Quill, go here.

Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship, (11/1/23) became a Barnes & Noble Bestseller in mid-December 2023. 

Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship, was also awarded a Silver Medal in the Nonfiction Book Awards by the Nonfiction Author’s Association. Belonging Matters is featured in the Award Winners section of the Nonfiction Authors Association site AND the new Nonfiction Book Club site. 

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