May is so many things…

The month of May marks the beginning of spring. Everywhere we gaze, an awakening is evident. The landscape is filling in. Wildlife has reappeared. Chicks are chirping in overhead nests, manatees are mating in warm shallow waters, and fawn are slipping out of the woods to nibble on buds and blossoms. This burst of life speaks of change and hope. We need both in these chaotic times.

So too, May is the month that we celebrate life within our own families. This weekend marks the day that we honor the many mother figures in our lives. For many of us, Mother’s Day is a joyous occasion because our mothers are still living, and we can gather with them, as well as with our own children. 

For others, this Mother’s Day will be bittersweet. We will reminisce about those who are missing in our lives, what they meant to us, and how to honor our memories of them. Mother’s Day can mean facing the failings or challenges in our maternal relationships. These realities usher in disappointment, sadness and loss and can be difficult to manage. 

Whatever Mother’s Day means to you, and with whom you choose to spend it, I hope it’s a positive experience this year. If you will be celebrating solo, be kind to yourself. Buy yourself fresh flowers or light a candle for those you wish to honor. Consider how you might send positive healing energy to promote stronger maternal relationships. Perhaps you might honor Mother Nature by planting your garden or cleaning up a neglected public space. Maybe you will volunteer at church, a shelter, or a food kitchen. Doing for others, often lifts a heavy heart.

On this Mother’s Day, I will be honoring the many mothers in my life while spending time with a few of my children and grandkids. This is the first Mother’s Day that I will celebrate without my husband. For him, there will be an empty chair at the table and a candle glowing in the kitchen.

Because of my adoption, Mother’s Day has always been complicated for me. Always, I cherish my adoptive mom who gave me an important start in the wonderful life I have been privileged to lead. And I acknowledge my birth mother, the incredible woman who gave me the ultimate gift–the gift of life itself. Having her in my life now is a circle drawn to completion.

Below, I share a piece of writing that reveals how adoptees and birth mothers feel about Mother’s Day. I hope something in it stirs you and inspires change or renewal.

Two Mother’s Days

Unless you’re a birth mom or an adoptee then you probably didn’t realize that the Saturday before Mother’s Day is National Birth Mother’s Day. Until I launched the search for my birth mom in 2010, I had no idea that birth mothers are recognized on a different day than traditional mothers.

When my adoption search hit a major roadblock in 2011, the social worker from my adoption agency, Catholic Charities, invited me to join a post adoption support group. So, on a Saturday afternoon in early May, I joined twenty or so adults in a conference room at the St. Vincent’s Center on LaSalle in downtown Chicago.

The social worker opened our session by acknowledging that Mother’s Day was less than a week away. Her bright blue eyes nodded warmly at each of us clustered around the U-shaped table.

She stated, “This is the day that brings both joy and heartache depending on which side of the adoption equation you are on.”

Several women at one end grabbed Kleenex from the boxes at the center of the table. In a few minutes, I would learn that these ladies were birth mothers. Thus far, they had been unsuccessful in entering reunion with the children they placed for adoption.

The social worker continued, “As we go around the table, please state your first name, whether you’re an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent. Then let us know how you plan to celebrate Mother’s Day this year.”

One of the teary-eyed birth moms raised her hand.

She said, “I want to remind everyone that Saturday, the day before Mother’s Day, is National Birth Mother’s Day.”

The social worker nodded her head vigorously at the group. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry I neglected to mention this in opening. For those of you that are new to the group, Birth Mother’s Day was established in 1990 by a group of birth mothers as a way to remember their adopted child, to cope with that loss, and to educate society about the complexities of the adoption experience. Please go on…”

The birth mother then shared with the group about how she hoped to receive a reply to a letter she’d recently written to the birth daughter she placed for adoption thirty years earlier. And then she uttered words that caused my breath to catch.

“As delighted as I am to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mother and family, the year I can openly observe Birth Mother’s Day with the daughter I lost to adoption will be one of the happiest moments of my life. Until that happens though, I will honor Birth Mother’s Day in silence.”

Our moderator studied the somber faces of our group and asked, “How many of you are part of an open adoption experience?”

Several of the younger people raised their hands.

The social worker continued, “In open adoption, it’s not uncommon for adoptive parents to send flowers and cards to the birth mother along with recent photos of their child. Some even call the birth mom as a way of honoring her on Birth Mother’s Day.” 

A man who looked to be in his forties spoke up next. 

He said, “I send each of my mothers a card for Mother’s Day. On Birth Mother’s Day I make it a point to phone my birth mom. This is our special day, and we talk about this. On the following day, I do the same for the mom that raised me. Having separate days to celebrate with my mothers is important to me. And to them.”

As the group members went around and slowly introduced themselves, some like me responded that they had not known about Birth Mother’s Day. Other adoptees, lucky enough to be in reunion with their birth moms, stated that their birth mother preferred to be honored on the traditional Mother’s Day. Given my recently stalled search, I wondered whether I’d get the opportunity to acknowledge my birth mom on Birth Mother’s Day or Mother’s Day. 

Years later, I reflect on the experience of attending this post adoption support group meeting. It was the first time I experienced the personal heartaches of a birth mom. It was a sobering moment, one that I have drawn heavily upon in trying to understand my own birth mom.

When I finally connected with my birth mother late in 2011, we established our own Mother’s Day routine. Because she lives in another state– and I have my own children to celebrate with during Mother’s Day weekend–my twin sister and I visit her out-of-state home during the first weekend in May. By splitting up our celebrations, we give our birth mom the attention she deserves, and we honor our adoptive mom on her special day.

Looking Ahead

On May 3rd, I will be speaking under the bayside cabana to Alice’s Tangerine Bay Book Club, in Longboat Key, FL about my memoir, Twice a Daughter.

On May 9th, I will record a podcast with Jo Blackwell at the Midlife Movement about my book, its afterlife, and all things related to writing and publishing. It’s sure to be an enlightening conversation.

On May 11th, my book Twice a Daughter: A Search for Identity, Family, and Belonging, turns 1 year old. Check my website or follow me on social media for events, giveaways, and hoopla surrounding the Book Birthday!

On May 14th, I will be in Indianapolis, IN for the Women’s Press Club of Indiana Awards & Luncheon. I will be receiving awards for my memoir and several columns I wrote for The Beacher Newspapers under my byline, That Girl This Life. 

On May 17th, I will be speaking to the Lake Forest, IL St. Gerard’s Guild about my book. This guild is named after Saint Magellan Gerard, the patron saint of children, unborn children, women in childbirth, mothers, expectant mothers, and motherhood. So fitting that this talk coincides with Mother’s Day weekend!

Books and More Stuff!!!

For those of you wanting to read more about a birth mother’s experience, I urge you to pick up Laura Engel’s new book (read my interview with her here) which releases on May 10th: 

You’ll Forget This Ever Happened, Secrets, Shame, and Adoption in the 1960s by Laura L. Engel

Just finished reading: 

RJ Hoffmann’s novel, Other People’s Children. Check out my review on Goodreads and Amazon. It’s a page turner about a birth mother who tries to reclaim the child she placed in an open adoption. Gripping plot with a surprise ending! 

Currently reading: 

Laura Davis’ exquisite memoir, The Burning Light of Two Stars, A Mother-Daughter Story about Laura’s ongoing relationship with her mother, the woman who refused to believe Laura’s story about her grandfather’s incest. 

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