Talk With A Birth Mother

JM: How old were you when you offered your child for adoption?

Sally: I was 19 and a sophomore in college.  It was the 70s. There was a lot of loosening of rigid moral codes at that time.

JM: Do you care to elaborate on the circumstances?

Sally:  The father of my child was someone I’d met at a party.  We dated for a few months, but after we stopped seeing one another I learned I was pregnant.  I wanted to finish school and knew that my parents were not able to help me as a single parent. The only choice I could live with was adoption. I’m Catholic so I reached out to my parish priest and he set up the appointment with the adoption agency.

JM:  What has your contact been with the adoption agency?

Sally: About eight years ago, the social worker facilitated contact with my birth child.  She helped me craft a letter and then she forwarded it through her office. (tears).

JM:  What happened next?

Sally:  My birth child never responded.  I have been waiting all this time.  I have learned through the social worker that the letter was received.  It’s hard. I’m desperate (more tears) to learn if my child is okay, that she’s had a good life, that she doesn’t feel rejected by me.

JM: Can you tell us what you put in that first letter?

Sally:  I shared the circumstances under which I chose adoption.  I told my child how much I loved her, that it was the hardest decision I ever made, and that I thought of her, prayed for her every day of her life.  

JM:  Does the social worker at the adoption agency advice any further contact on your part?

Sally:  The social worker is supportive about my writing another letter, but I do not feel it is my right to disrupt my child’s life with further communications.  If she wants to make contact with me, she knows how to do it.

JM:  This is very difficult.  Have you had any other children?

Sally:  My husband was married before.  He has older children from another marriage.  We chose not to have any children together. I am close to his kids.

JM: Do they know that you are a birth mother.

Sally: (smile)  Yes! Everyone does.  I never wanted to be one of those women that suffered in silence on Mother’s Day.  I was a mother. I am a mother. No one can take that away from me. I just do not have my child in my life.

JM: Anything else you want to share with us?

Sally:  Just a comment.  Consenting to closed adoption was the only choice I had during the times in which I got pregnant.  I wish that open adoption had been an option, that the Internet would help my daughter reach out to me— she has my name. I didn’t use an alias.  I know I have to be patient. I pray every day that she is happy, healthy, and that someday we will be in touch.

JM:  I hope that for you too.  Thanks for being so open and sharing your story.

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