The Holidays Are Touchpoints Too

During the holidays we are encouraged to recognize the people we care about with gifts, visits, meals and greeting cards. The underlying message of the season is thankfulness and generosity. Touted as the “Season of Joy”, the holiday’s do not represent that to all people.  For many, the Christmas & Hanukkah season is painful. We are reminded about loss. Loss of a loved one, pet or relationship. Loss of income, health, independence, and well-being. Instead of joy, feelings of disappointment, rejection, and lack of belonging usher in. These negative emotions can fill and color a person’s immediate world more vividly than the magnificent holiday decorations and fancy wrapped gifts.

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For those of us whose lives have been affected by adoption, the “Season of Joy” can be a touchpoint, a reminder about how different our situation is from the ideal traditional family (see a previous post about family reunions).  The holidays may showcase what and who may be missing in your life, trigger anger and depression, resurrect issues of identity and self-worth, and threaten your sense of belonging.

Much like other adoptees I know, I spent some of my adolescent and teen years wondering what my ‘other’ family was doing at Christmastime. I puzzled if I had other brothers and sisters and whether they were opening gifts with my ‘real’ set of parents.  I wondered if they wondered about me. I wondered if they worried about me, and I wondered if they felt bad that I wasn’t in their life.  When I married and had my own children, my brain compartmentalized those notions, and I focused on my immediate family. I found purpose in creating meaningful memories for them. During the years that my family grew and flourished, while joyful, I rarely made it through the holidays without thinking about being adopted and contemplating how my life may have been different.

Ten years ago, I launched a search for my birth mother.  It was an arduous task.  In the era in which I was placed for adoption, she was encouraged to use an alias. That false identity appeared on my original birth record.  I needed a court-appointed intermediary to open my sealed adoption records, extract my birth mom’s real name and send her an outreach letter.  She rejected my contact.  I don’t have to tell you how the holidays and gift-giving made me feel that year. Following New Year’s my birthday was wretched. The good news is that within months, my birth mom changed her mind. Eight years later, we are still in touch. Almost two years ago my birth father died before agreeing to meet me. Another loss that triggered a lack of belonging and it shout joyfulness out the window.

There are people who want us in our lives and those that don’t. We can’t help but take it personally. So how can we cope?

Here’s some great advice on dealing with the “holiday blues” (abbreviated and summarized from “10 Tips For When The Holidays Have You Feeling Down”, blog.lifetimeadoption.com):

1. Grieve Your Loss – It is OK to feel a sense of loss during the holidays. Acknowledging it is healthier than holding it in.

2. Take Care of Yourself – If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out because the holidays are approaching, it’s fine to take a break. You might invite some friends over, bake some delicious treats, and have a “spa night.” That means it’s OK to decline some invites.

3. Journal- Writing in a journaling can help you work through some of the heavy feelings associated with adoption. You can also express gratitude for the positive things in your life.

4. Give Back to the Community – Now is a great time to volunteer for a few hours! Sometimes, turning your thoughts and actions outward can provide some positive distraction and a sense of relief.

5. Prepare for Uncomfortable Situations – Being together with your family during the holidays can bring up some uncomfortable situations and questions. It can help to prepare ahead of time and brainstorm how you might deal with this.

6. Seek Peer Support – You’re not alone if you’re coping with negative thoughts and emotions during the holidays. If you are in adoption support group, reach out to the moderator or other members and discuss your situation.

7. Get Support from Friends & Family – Support from family members and friends that understand can also help you through the holidays. The good news about leaning on people in your life is that they already have an idea about your story. Some friends that you typically rely on might be out of town for the holidays. With them not being nearly as available to you as they usually are, you may want to discuss setting up a system for times when you need more support than usual. A code word you text them could signal your friend to call you for a chat.

8. Pursue Professional Support – Professional support, which is accessible from caseworkers, counselors, and therapists, is available to help you through the holidays as well.

Without a doubt, the holidays are hard for most people.  Handling them gracefully can seem impossible.  If you are an adoptee, birth parent or adoptive parent you may have more complicated reasons for that sad or lonely feeling overtaking you. Focusing on the many people and reasons to be feel thankful is the best coping strategy of all.

I wish you peace and love. I hope that you find reasons to celebrate and to be joyful during the remainder of the holiday season.

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