The Joy in Making Someone Successful

I remember the day Mom first began exhibiting signs of memory loss. My siblings and I had taken she and Dad out for brunch to celebrate several family members’ birthdays. As each guest arrived, they added their gift or card to the growing pile on a chair at the long table. Just before it came time for us to be seated, Mom pulled me aside, a troubled look—one like a child often exhibits when witnessing a scary sight—descended over her pretty seventy-something features.

She pointed to the heap of presents, her hands shaking. “What is all that about?” 

I looked from her face to the stack, confused as to why the array of gifts was so upsetting to her. 

“Why those are the birthday presents,” I said softly, trying to stem my growing alarm. “We’ll open them at dessert time.” 

I patted her arm, forced an assuring smile, and witnessed her reaction to my words. The fear and confusion lingering there sickened me. 

My book club had just finished reading Still Alice. The scene playing out with Mom at that moment reminded me of the chapter when Alice gets confused about the front door mat, angrily rips it up, and throws it outside, calling it an ugly black hole. Because of Still Alice, I scheduled Mom to see a neurologist, who confirmed what my siblings and I feared: early stages of Alzheimer’s. Fortunately for Mom, the medication he prescribed has been effective in preventing a steep cognitive decline. 

But because of Mom’s memory issues—which often seem worse around dusk, or if she’s fatigued or ill—we are careful not to focus on her forgetfulness, choosing to make light of it or ignore it altogether.

This past Christmas, we held a potluck gathering for our extended family. Many grandchildren and great grandkids planned to attend, family whom Mom had not seen in a while due to geographical distance. In advance of the party, I went over the guest list, reminding Mom of the names of people she didn’t see often, a true sticky point for her. Since she wanted to give a little gift to each of the six great grandkids in attendance, I picked up coloring and sticker books, wrapped them, and helped her label them. Watching her effusive joy as she went around the room, spending time with each family, and passing out her Christmas presents was heartwarming for me. 

As it turns out, holding that holiday gathering was fortuitous. Over New Year’s week, Mom fainted at her senior living center and was sent by ambulance to the ER, where she complained of stomach pain. An abdominal bleed was suspected, and further tests revealed that she had a lesion on her liver. After the diagnoses, she spent three weeks in the hospital and another few on the health floor of her senior living center. This sequence of events exacerbated her memory problems, something my siblings and I expected to occur but an occasion that was not easy to witness.

During the time Mom was on the health care floor, my birthday rolled around. Those of you who have read my books, Twice a Daughter, and Twice the Family may remember the elaborate manner in which birthdays were celebrated in my family: a homemade dinner in the dining room, the table set with the good china and fancy goblets, the cake from Kirschbaum’s Bakery (Western Springs, Illinois), and carefully selected presents wrapped with panache. 

So, by five o’clock when I hadn’t received the birthday phone call I had come to expect from Mom, I picked up the phone. The act wasn’t about me wanting to make her feel bad that she hadn’t called or highlighting the fact that she may have forgotten. It was about checking in to make sure she was alright and giving her a chance to be successful in overcoming the dregs of her disease.

She answered on the third ring, her voice weak and tired.

“Hi Mom,” I said. “It’s Julie.”

Her voice perked up. 

“Oh, hi honey. I’m so glad you called. Happy Birthday! I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I wanted to but I just couldn’t figure out how to use the phone in this room.”

That’s all I needed. Mom’s memory was good on the most important thing, remembering my special day. And I’d made her successful in showing her love by placing the call. 

And so, I offer this advice to you, dear readers. Sometimes what’s called for in life is setting aside our own hurt, anger, or disappointment to reach out to someone we care about. In response, we might get what we were looking for all along: a kind word and a much-needed show of love and tenderness. 

Be well, friends.

News & Follow Me Here

February 26: Julie will present a memoir workshop, “So You Want to Write That Story,” at the St. Petersburg Public Library from 1-3 PM.

February 26: Julie will speak to the N.U. “Kellogg Gals” Book Club about her books from 5-6:30 CT.

March 1: Julie will be Max Bowen’s guest on the Citywide Blackout Radio Show at 10 AM ET.

March 5: Julie will make a return appearance as a guest on Simon Benn’s “Thriving Adoptees Podcast”. Stay tuned for the link.

March 6: Julie will be Irene Weisberg’s guest on the Grief & Rebirth Podcast.

March 8: Julie will guest on the “Who am I really?” Podcast with Damon Davis.

March 11: Virtual Author Panel: Inside the Adoption Experience: Expert Authors Discussing Adoption’s Impact featuring Julie McGue, Diane Wheaton, Simone Knego, Laura Engle, and moderated by Diane Dewey at 4PT/5 MT/6 CT/7 ET Free via zoom with registration, here.

March 14-16: Julie will attend the Tucson Festival of Books. You can find her in the Adoptee Authors booth where she will be signing her books on Sunday March 15th from 3-5.

March 21, 1-4 PM ET: Julie will be signing and selling her books to benefit the Longboat Key Library at J McLaughlin’s on Longboat Key. Come out and show your support at this popular “Sip ‘n Shop” event.

April 8 & 29 from 1:30-2:30 ET Julie will teach a webinar for the Author Learning Center, titled “How to Write Memoir That Reads Like Fiction.” You can sign up, here.

April 9: Julie will talk about her new book Twice the Family to the Longboat Key Club Book Club from 12 noon to 1:30 ET. Members can sign up on the club website.  

April 17: Vine & Verse: A Night of Wine & Words from 6-8 at Lum’s Cellars in Maplewood NJ. Julie will join fellow authors, Laura Gaddis (author of Mosaic), Kathleen Somers (author of Barely Visible) and Joanne De Simone (author of Fall and Recovery). At this event each author will discuss their book, do a short reading, and participate in a Q&A. Books will be available for purchase.

Follow Julie by visiting her website, subscribe to her bimonthly newsletters, and listen to previous podcast recordings where she discusses topics like adoption, identity, family relationships, sisterhood and belonging.

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