The Need To Feel Important

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We all possess the need to feel valued by the people we deem important in our lives. 

At lunch the other day, a friend and I chatted about this topic over quesadillas and endless pours of iced tea. Enjoying one another’s company and an idyllic spring afternoon, we lingered at the restaurant and shared personal moments when we’d felt marginalized by a friend, acquaintance, or family member. My girlfriend and I agreed that lingering resentments over perceived wrongs have the potential to alter relationships, and the best fix for alleviating the distress is an open dialogue with the offending party.  

As I went about my day, my thoughts returned often to the luncheon conversation. I reflected upon how the list of wrongs done to us–willing or inadvertent– has the potential to be cumbersome. And then, I wondered. As easily as we can recite examples of those who have wronged us, can we share stories of people who have done the hardest right, making us feel valued at great personal cost?

When my mom was in her fifties, one of my siblings experienced a family crisis. After several years of marriage, my brother’s wife walked out, leaving him to parent three children under the age of seven. Without hesitation, Mom swooped in and assumed the role of mother and caregiver to my brother’s family. Until he got his life back on track, my mother grocery shopped, laundered, and folded all their clothes. She picked up the three kids from school, hosted play dates, and enrolled them in extracurricular activities. In every way possible, my mother tried to fill the holes my sister-in-law had left in her wake. Mom’s actions showed just how important my brother and his young family were to her. 

Every so often, I share passages from Fr. Greg’s Holy Name Cathedral (Chicago) pastoral column. A recent posting falls right into this topic of our need to feel important:

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9 am. 

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. 

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. 

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. 

I was surprised and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?” He smiled as he patted my hand and said, “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.” 

Perhaps your reaction to Fr. Greg’s story is the same as mine: That is the kind of love I want in my life. The older gentleman’s and my mother’s selfless acts are examples of folks who work hard at making the important people in their lives feel valued. 

Because we are imperfect creatures, there will always be family and friends who occasionally treat our relationships with them as insignificant. We have choices: let the small transgressions pass; when the time is right clear the air; or, cut off future dealings with the people who hurt us. And it is our decision to seek out and surround ourselves with more individuals who validate our sense of self-worth. 

In closing, I’m reminded of the wise words of Maya Angelou:

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

It’s been a tough year. Let’s all work harder at making those around us feel valued and important. 

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