The Value of Seeking Support

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One of the questions I often field about my adoption search and reunion experience is: 

How did you cope with the devastating denial of your birth mother and the subsequent dismissal by your birth father?

My answer has two components, and both have to do with Catholic Charities–the agency that facilitated my closed adoption in 1959.

Decades ago, Catholic Charities instituted a firm policy of placing children from a multiple birth pregnancy into the same adoptive family. By strictly adhering to this guideline, the agency honored the attachment that existed between my sister and I before we were born. Essentially, it reinforced and validated our belonging to one another. 

The bond I share with my twin tightened during our formative years within our adoptive family. As we enter middle age, it is strong and true. Our relationship continues to be unique, tight, and complicated. We finish each other’s thoughts, communicate effectively nonverbally, and often appear in social settings with similar outfits or accessories. We do not just get each other– it is as if we are stitched into the same skin.

In 2008, when I decided to launch the search for our family of origin, my sister was my first phone call. She supported my need for information, and together we charted a course that stretched out for years. At each juncture, we discussed options and decided upon next steps. She boosted me when I hesitated, doubted, or dipped into the gloom of disappointment. When we hit a milestone, we cheered the glorious achievement together. Without my twin sister, I am not me. Without her, my journey of life would be a story less than half-told. And without her holding my hand as we crossed the finish line to own our personal story, the taste of victory would have been bitter and not sweet.

Here’s the second part. Catholic Charities did not just facilitate the adoption of my sister and me. The organization continues to minister to my needs–lingering issues related to adoption trauma, rejection, and loss– through the Post Adoption Services Department. 

Throughout the tumultuous search and reunion process, I met quarterly with a support group made up of the adoption constellation: fellow adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, siblings, friends, and significant others. Meeting regularly with this group of my peers allowed me to fully understand the perspectives of others sharing the adoption search and reunion journey. I benefitted from hearing their personal stories, search strategies, and coping mechanisms. 

Much like the strength I draw from the relationship with my twin sister, my life has been enriched by peer support. With this group, I don’t have to explain how I feel about growing up without family history, nor do I need to dwell on the agonies of rejection, denial, or dismissal. These folks have lived it, too. 

Here is a condensed excerpt from my memoir, Twice a Daughter: A Search for Identity, Family, and Belonging. It describes the first support group meeting I attended, which was moderated by Catholic Charities social worker, Lisa Francis:

The format of the meeting was simple. After signing in, we went around the U-shaped conference table and stated our name, disclosed whether we were an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent, and then we shared where we were in the search and reunion process. If we brought someone with us, we introduced them.

For the icebreaker piece, Lisa asked that we offer a response to this question: “If you could say one thing to the family member you seek, what would that be?”

Ethnically and racially diverse, the group members ran the spectrum in age from thirtysomethings to seventy-year-olds. Except for two birth mothers, the rest were adult adoptees, and all but three were women. The common thread: Catholic Charities had facilitated everyone’s adoption.

More than half of us were waiting to hear back from a birth parent or birth daughter/son. From my experience of waiting weeks for my birth mom to answer my outreach, I knew how excruciating passing the time can be. A woman, I guessed her to be in her late thirties, had been anticipating a response from her birth mother for over a year. When she broke down in sobs during her introduction, the Kleenex box at the center of the table shot over to her like a hockey puck.

One of the birth mothers and a female adoptee shared their reunion stories. Both glowed like someone who’d recently fallen in love. They passed around photos of themselves beaming, wrapped in tight embraces with their newfound relatives. To the group’s credit, each of us ogled at how much the searchers resembled their child or parent, and each attendee professed such joy and support for the searcher that I wondered why I’d delayed in joining such a compassionate crowd. 

When it was my turn to talk, I clasped my sweaty hands tightly in my lap. “I’m Julie. This is my first meeting. I’m an adoptee.” I tried to make eye contact with the people across the table. “I also happen to be a twin. Thanks to Catholic Charities’ policy of keeping twins together, my sister and I were adopted into the same family.” I smiled at Lisa, our moderator, and then I looked down at the tabletop. “Due to health concerns, I began the search for my birth mother last year. Last month, I learned that she didn’t want to connect with us. I’m hoping she’ll change her mind someday.” When I glanced up, I caught the Kleenex box just in time.

Lisa jumped in. “And Julie, how would you answer the icebreaker question?”

The tissue balled up in my palm. I’d thought hard about this when the others spoke. The angry-rejected-adoptee-me, the one I’d been working hard at controlling these days, wanted to ask my birth mom: how could she look herself in the mirror every day, she who gave up not one, but two daughters, and rejected both of us. Twice. The person-that-was-me-before-this-adoption-search, the one I was desperately trying to reclaim 24/7, chose a different response to offer the group. “I would ask her if she has thought of my sister and me throughout her life, and if she ever wondered what had happened to us.”

I continue to meet regularly with my Catholic Charities Post Adoption support group, either virtually or in-person. I have made lifelong friends with whom I shared an instant connection due to our shared experience: adoption. This is my tribe, my third family, and I am indebted to them for their continued loving support and guidance. Because of my continued involvement, I am a fierce advocate for peer support.

Recently, I was asked to be a guest speaker on a virtual panel of journalers and writers. During the Q&A portion of the evening’s session, the topic of from where I drew courage and resiliency came up. I mentioned my relationship with my sister and my reliance on the Catholic Charities support group. A woman, who I will call Sara, raised her hand in the chat. She was joining us from Australia, which meant she had risen at dawn to connect to the zoom meeting. 

Sara bravely shared with the thirty of us in the virtual conversation that she is a birth mom. She stated that she had read my memoir. Twice. Upon finishing it the first time, Sara had wept. My story had awakened complicated, suppressed thoughts and emotions. 

To our cozy, virtual group, Sara said, “When I got to the chapter in Twice a Daughter about the support group meeting, I realized I needed peer support. Right away. I hadn’t known such therapy groups existed for women like me.” 

Through her tears, Sara thanked me for revealing how peer support had benefitted me. Reading the book had provided steps for Sara to begin to heal from the trauma of her adoption loss.

Many of us struggle from the effects of our lived experiences. To cope, accept, forgive, and heal from all that life throws our way, there are many benefits to be drawn from the support of like-minded peers, counselors, and therapists. 

In August 2021, I joined Lisa Francis, social worker for Catholic Charities Post Adoption Services and Katie Bredemann on the Voice of Charity Radio Show. We discussed post adoption services and how I benefitted from peer support. You can listen to the podcast here or watch it on YouTube here.

And if you missed my interview with Kristen and Mike Berry with the Honestly Adoption podcast, it’s available here.

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