What If My Family Doesn’t Support My Decision to Adopt?

A few weeks ago, I posted a piece about what birth mothers should know if they don’t possess the birth father’s support in placing their child for adoption. (https://juliemcgueauthor.com/can-babies-be-placed-for-adoption-without-a-fathers-consent/)

On the other side of the adoption equation, conflict can also lurk. The families of prospective adoptive parents don’t always profess support for the decision to adopt.

Experts at Americanadoptions.com offer four questions to consider when trying to understand a prospective adoptive family’s negative feedback (https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/what-can-you-do-when-family-doesnt-support-your-decision-to-adopt/):

1. Do they understand what modern adoption is like?

A lot of fears about adoption come from a lack of knowledge or from unfamiliarity. Your family member may have an outdated image of adoption or have false information from inaccurate portrayals in TV and movies. They may be afraid the birth parents could “take the baby back,” that all adopted children have problems, or that they wouldn’t be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological child — all of which you know is untrue, but are persistent myths. Offering up information about what adoption is like today may soothe some anxieties.

Your family may be initially unsupportive because they knew birth parents, adoptive parents or adoptees who struggled with closed adoptions or from a lack of adoption support. Explain what the process is like for expectant and adoptive parents today, explain why you’re looking forward to sharing a relationship with your future child’s birth family via open adoption, and then be prepared to answer questions.

2. What are the fears that are holding them back?

Before fully choosing adoption, you likely had fears of your own that you had to come to terms with. If your family member can put a name to what they’re worried about in regard to adoption, you might be able to talk through it together.

If they’re having a hard time pinpointing what it is, they’re concerned about, ask them to take a little time and think about it, and then come back to you. They may still be processing the news and need time to reflect on what it is about adoption that makes them uncomfortable — and more importantly, why it makes them uncomfortable.

3. Do they understand how excited you are to adopt?

You family member may be worried that you’re adopting out of desperation. They may see adoption as a second-best choice or a consolation prize. Of course, none of this is true.

Assure them of how excited you are to adopt. Even if adoption wasn’t your original plan, you’re “all in.” There may be some unavoidable unknowns involved in the process, but any fears you have are far outweighed by your excitement and joy.

4. Would they feel better if they talked to someone and asked questions?

Depending on what your family member’s specific concerns are, they might be comforted to talk to someone who has been through the process — your adoption specialist, a family who has previously adopted, an adult adoptee, grandparents of adopted children, or birth parents —. It can help to hear firsthand that it’s going to be okay, even though it seems scary and foreign at first.

The point to be made is this.  Ultimately, it is the prospective adoptive parent(s) decision regarding whether the family they put together includes adoption.  When faced with doubt, prospective adoptive parents can always slow the process down, consult with adoption experts or talk with other adoptive parents who are further along on the adoption continuum.

Moving forward with parenthood by becoming an adoptive parent regardless of your family’s support, is a big step.  In the end, others can only weigh in on. The final decision is not theirs, it’s yours. Parenting a child is tough and parenting an adopted child has its own challenges.  What matters is for you, the adoptive parent, to be firm in your commitment to the adoption process. Your resolve to make adoption work for your family may indeed extinguish your family’s misgivings and their support will be forthcoming.

Having a place to go – is a home.
Having someone to love – is a family.
Having both – is a blessing.     
-Donna Hedges

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