What Is It About Belonging?

One of the things I enjoy most about my late-in-life writing career is speaking to book lovers, readers, and my tribe, those within the adoption triad–adoptees, birth, and adoptive parents. 

Writers are by nature solitary creatures. We live in our own heads, spending most of our time locked in front of computer screens where we throw out thoughts and ideas, debate about structure and word choice, and scour for meaning. Connecting on a personal level with Book Clubs, women’s groups, and guesting on podcasts are things I love to do. The questions posed in these forums often have me scrambling and thinking on my feet. 

In a recent interview with fellow adoptee Nadia Tooth for her podcast, My Unknown Truth – The Australian Adoption Podcast (it airs in April), she asked an important question that, believe it or not, I do not field very often. 

First she read from the back cover of my book, Belonging Matters: Conversations on Adoption, Family & Kinship, (Muse Literary):

This book challenges the reader to embrace all of who we come to be, and to discern with whom and where we belong. Because belonging defines the human experience, and it is what nourishes our spirit, fuels us with purpose, and compels us to soar beyond the limitations of our lived experience. 

And then, she asked, “So, Julie, why does belonging matter?”

I explained that because of my adoption, being a twin, and a blossoming writing career, I’ve spent a great deal of time reflecting upon this topic. Belonging is an innate and universal need. It’s something we strive for as soon as we’re born, and that yearning continues throughout our entire life. 

I’m a grandmother so I’m privileged to observe how my grandsons crave contact with their siblings, preschool friends, parents, and me. It tickles me to witness their excitement over a birthday party invitation or play date with a friend. They wear their feelings on their sweet little faces when their parents rush out to work or don’t have time to snuggle with a book. The need to feel important, the craving for closeness, and the desire to matter to the ones we care about translates to all ages.

I remember when my own children were in middle school, and they shared at the dinner table about the happenings from the day. There was heartbreak over not being able to find a seat at the lunch table where all their friends were gathered. Or not having made the cheer squad, a privilege that would have put them in with the popular crowd. Of course, those disappointments build character, but they serve as a reminder how much belonging matters in our formative years.

For me, belonging is deeper than play dates, lunch tables and cheer squads. As a twin, I have always felt belonging with my identical twin sister. She and I have years of shared experiences, but we also shared similar thoughts, moods, and reactions to people and events. In my memoir, Twice a Daughter, I say this about our relationship, “It is as if we are stitched into the same skin.” She and I have an uncanny way of knowing what each other is thinking. Speech is often unnecessary for us because we can communicate effectively through facial expressions and gestures. I am not me without her and vice versa. In a nutshell, our belonging, our twindom defines part of who I am and have come to be.

Because my sister and I were adopted, we found kinship within our adoptive family, and then much later with birth relatives–half-siblings, birthmother, and first cousins. Finding and getting to know my birth mother was a treasured moment, a longing fulfilled. While I always believed I belonged to her–despite not meeting her until I turned 52– the goal of belonging was eventually achieved. It completed me in a way I couldn’t have known.

The universal need to belong and its quest shifts with our interests, hobbies, and stage of life. As empty nesters, my husband and I sought out new places to experience and to live in our retirement. The whole cycle, much like the seat at the lunch table, began anew. Finding the right tennis and golf groups, Book Clubs, social groups, and friends. Much like we had done all our lives, we looked for where we felt comfortable and sought companionship with folks with whom we had shared goals, values, and interests.  

Even now as a middle-aged woman, I am embroiled in the search for belonging. As a recent widow, I find that I am less comfortable as a single person in large group settings. It is a new experience for me and I’m working through my unease. Part of that struggle is adjusting to being half of a couple, to being without my life partner, and finding the courage to seek out new experiences and show up as a single. So even as we age, we are in search for belonging. 

Such a long answer to Nadia Tooth’s question, but one that was fascinating to probe. I promise to post the link when the podcast is live. In the meantime, I hope you are where you feel belonging, that you are doing what you love, and that you are enjoying it with your favorite people.

Spring Blessings, Julie

Follow Me Here

On April 16th Julie will speak with Gurds Hundal, host of the UK based podcast, Inner Light Project. This podcast poses the question: Are you ready to trust yourself?

On April 18th, Julie will guest on the Trauma Survivorhood Podcast; their mission is to share stories about people who have overcome traumatic events and who are willing share the inspiration they draw from them.

On May 4th, Julie will talk about trauma, grief, and healing with Dr.Torie Williams on the Be VicTorieus podcast. 

On May 15th, the Book Club at Pottawattomie Country Club in Michigan City, Indiana will host Julie’s discussion of her memoir, Twice a Daughter. Jennifer, Julie’s twin sister and major character in her memoir, will share the stage for an unforgettable discussion.

On May 18th,  Adoption:The Making of Me Podcast will have Julie on their show to talk about how adoption affected her life journey and the impact of writing about it.

On May 20th, Julie will speak to the Women’s Philanthropic Education Organization (PEO), Hinsdale chapter, at Hinsdale Methodist Church about her journey as an adoptee and writer. 

To listen to other podcasts where Julie shares about her books, adoption story, and perspectives on all things related to identity, family, and belonging, go here (the media tab on her website).

In Other News:

Belonging Matters was named a winner of Books Shelf Nonfiction Writing Contest, and it received a Five-star book review from the Book Revue.

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