Will My Child Hate Me?

This question was posed by an adoption site I follow, a group which promotes open adoption for birth parents.  Since reading the headline, the question festered, and I reflected heavily upon it.

As an adoptee, my answer is both yes and no.

I’m a product of closed adoption.  When my parents picked me up at the adoption agency, no information regarding genealogy or medical history was shared with them. In contrast, open adoption allows for an exchange of information between the adopted child, his/her adoptive parents and the birth parents.  The quality and frequency of that communication varies. Literature suggests that the more information a child has about their background, the more well-adjusted they will be as they mature.

Regardless of whether an adoption was closed or open, there is a common thread among adoptees.  Even if we were given the reasons for our adoption, every adoptee wonders:

“Why did I have to be adopted. Why me?”

In open adoption, often there is a letter from the birth parent detailing the reasons for the decision. Those of us from the closed adoption era, wonder or make up our own reality regarding our biological families. About one-third of the states allow adult adoptees access to their original birth records, while the rest do not. Even if an adoptee does possess some basic facts about their background, we often quiz ourselves:

“Why couldn’t things have been different?” 

Blaming someone else for a difficult situation is part of human nature, but blame doesn’t necessarily lead to hate. Hate is a very strong word. Dislike, disdain, disapproval, resentment, anger. Yes.  As an adoptee, I often felt puzzled about my adoption.  I experienced loss and rejection, too. At times, I struggled with self-worth, identity, and belonging. These strong emotions hit me hard when I was a teenager and again when I began the search for my birth mother. My feelings about being adopted and my birth parents is complicated, and I write often about it.  Putting my thoughts on paper helps me to clear my head and come to clear conclusions.

So, I will be honest here. There were two instances when I intensely disliked my birth parents.  Both of them rejected me when I reached out to them as a middle-aged woman with health issues.  Being denied contact, along with their refusal to acknowledge me as a person, as a child they brought into this world, angered me. Yes, for a time I did hate them. When I thought of them, I wanted to explode.  How dare they not want to know their beautiful, successful, intelligent daughter? Let’s just say, I wasn’t easy to be around during these rejections. I despised my birth parents for being, as I saw it, lousy selfish uncommunicative adults.  My right to information conflicted with their right to privacy and that lit a fuse. I took my right to know through the courts and I received basic health information. I worked through my anger with counseling.  With a lot of work, I accepted my situation and I grew to understand my birth parent’s perspective. 

A long answer to a simple but compelling question: Will my child hate me? 

Yes, they might hate you for a time, but hopefully they will not hate you always and forever.  Adoption is a tough decision, one that most birth parents heavily discern.  While adoption is a positive experience for many adoptees, for others it is more complicated. If you are a birth parent contemplating placing your child for adoption, this fear of what your child will think of you may or may not influence your decision. There is no getting around that.

Here’s some advice: write your child a letter. Explain your situation and your thoughts about the difficult decision you are making.  Share with your unborn child details about who you are and what you think and feel as a prospective parent.  It’s easier to hate a stranger than it is someone you feel like you know. Adding counseling or support groups is another strong solution for birth parents and adoptees to deal with the range of emotions they face at different points in life.

Having realistic expectations, effective communicating and seeking counseling or support are all part of the answer to dealing with this worry: Will My Child Hate Me?

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